Prayer challenge update, my general ramblings and a wake up call!

So this is a "catch up" post!  Life has got busy again (as usual) and I haven't been able to stay on my blogging schedule.

Prayer Challenge - Prayer Driving vs Journalling
I have been working on my prayer challenge and I can wholeheartedly say that I have learnt a fair amount about what works for me and what doesn't!

Let me start with some of the mistakes I made:

1.  Starting a prayer challenge on the same day that you are leaving for a family weekend out of London followed by a family BBQ.  It's really difficult to start a new habit or practice when you are not following your usual routine at all!

2.  Choosing an activity that involves introducing two new habits in one.  I don't go for regular walks so deciding to use prayer walking meant that I had to master the incorporation of regular walking and prayering.  It didn't really work out!

So I decided to count prayer driving as well as prayer walking!  The prayer walking experience was really refreshing and lovely.  It was nice to allocate a set time to just go for a walk and talk to God but it became apparent to me that it was not going to be consistent if it depended on me going for daily walks.  Some of my days t involved heavy travelling or lots of errands in one day, so fitting in substantial walking time was a real challenge and often didn't materialise.  However, I am someone who drives regularly and I found using this time to pray really helpful.  

Attaching prayer to a regular activity in my life has been really effective.

However this raised a couple of other challenges, primarily how to maintain a prayer list and document everything that God has been saying in relation to the different issues.  So I decided to try prayer journalling.  

Prayer journalling has been a breath of fresh air!  It has been wonderful sitting down with a pen and paper and writing out my prayers to God.  This method has really worked for me and to be honest I haven't had a desire to try anything else.  

My main focus has now moved on to looking at ways to ensure that I am regularly covering all the areas on my prayer list and an effective way of maintaining a prayer list.  Please write any methods you use in the comments below!  I would really appreciate your help!

My General Ramblings
A lot is going on in my life at the moment, primarily around me looking at what I want out of life and the steps I need to take to get there.  This year has been amazing so far!  I have become a mother and I have discovered more about myself in the last few months than I have in the last 30 years!  It has been amazing to see how God has used this time to really reveal so much to me.

This blog has started as a place to pour out my feelings about infertility and the struggle of being childless.  It then became a record of my journey through the adoption process and the first few months of motherhood.  I have been struggling a little with deciding which direction to take the blog in next.  Many of you have said that you want me to keep writing but I haven't been sure about exactly what I should actually write about.  In other words, I started to analyse this blog too much and so ended up with what I would call a blog in "identity crisis".

So I'm going to stop over-analysing and just go back to being me.  I'll write about the things on my heart and I hope that you will continue to enjoy reading what I have to say!

A wake up call!

I spent yesterday evening with a close friend talking in great depth about some of the major decisions I have to make in the next few months.  It was refreshing, enlightening and helped to solidify some of the things I have struggled to verbalise throughout this year.  However, a poignant issue that came out of the conversation was the fact that I am still a new mother.

This is an issue that my sister had raised several times earlier this year but I think I've finally started to get it.  I have been a mother for six months.  I look at some of the projects I have taken on in the last year and realised that I haven't really allowed space for the fact that I am a new mum.  Likewise, I am aware that some people around me have made the same mistake as me and failed to recognise that I am very new to motherhood.  It is very easy to look at Babygirl as the blossoming toddler that she is and forget that although she may be approaching two, I haven't been a mother for nearly two years. I have only six months experience!

As such when I look at what I will be doing for the rest of this year and when people approach me to ask me to do things - I will be pausing to ask the question in my mind, "Is this something that a mother of six months should be taking on right now?"

I hope by just pausing to answer that question will help me to know when to say "yes" and when to say "no".

So that's my catch post complete.

Until next time,
Cece xxx

Thoughtful Thursday: Improving My Prayer Life

Hello readers!

Today I am starting a 4 week series on prayer.  Prayer is an area that I am trying to develop as I have struggled to find a way to ensure that my prayer time is regular and effective!   I have been researching different ways to improve and enhance my prayer life. 

I thought it might be fun (and possibly helpful to you guys!) to blog about my experiences as I try different stratgies!  

So here's how it will work.

Each Thursday I will tell you what I will be doing for the next 7 days to improve my prayer life.  You are welcome to join in and share your experiences in the comments below!

On the following Wednesday, I will blog about how the trialled strategy impacted my prayer life.

So this is week 1 and I will be trialling prayer walking.

I have done prayer walks before but I have never used them as a strategy for my personal prayer, so I'm intrigued to see how it works for me.  

Each day I will go for an hour's walk and pray.  I'll be trying out different times of the day and different locations.  I might even see how it goes when sharing the walk with someone else!

I'll let you guys know how it goes next Wednesday, but if you would like to get daily updates - follow me on twitter @cece280707. #cecesprayerlife

Comment below if you're up for joining me by trying out prayer walking this week! And don't forget to subscribe!

Until next time,

Cece

Thoughtful Thursday: What have you been thinking?

So here we are with another Thoughtful Thursday!  I have recently settled down to read Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind" and after reading the first few chapters, I've been wondering why I left it so long.  It has been sitting on my shelf for years and after being advised by many that it is a worthwhile read, I decided to jump in.

Wow!  What an amazing book!  I've only got to chapter 8 and already, I have scriptures to meditate on and it has caused me to really start evaluating the way I think.

What have you been thinking recently?
Proverbs 23:7 says " For as he thinks in his heart, so is he".  In other words, what you think about yourself, what you think about situations in your life will have a direct effect on the outcome.

It is so common in our world to be filled with negative thoughts and negative attitudes but is this how our "thought life" should be as Christians?  I am not suggesting that we pretend that the challenging issues in our lives don't exist but I am saying that the attitude and way we think about them can profoundly change how we feel about them and how we tackle them.

As I continue to walk with God and learn more about Him,  I am realising that my life situations have not changed much, but what has changed is the way I see them, think about them and approach them.

Change the way you think!
So today, make a choice to think about things differently!

Instead of focussing on what you don't have, focus on what you do have.

Instead of declaring that your challenges will beat you, declare that you are able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you!

I am not saying that we should all just have "happy thoughts" and everything will be OK!  But I am saying that by allowing God to renew our mind, we will be able to tackle challenges with God and ultimately be forever transformed!
 
Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you] (Romans 12:2)

We change the way we think by using God's word to renew our minds - to renew the way we see things and how we think.

In doing so:

we are forever changed and

we discover God's perfect will for our lives!

I'll leave you with the wise words of Paul from Philippians:

For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. (Phil. 4:8)

Thoughtful Thursday: Time to Retreat?

Have you ever seen a fly trying to get out of a closed window?  It can get itself into a frenzy as it can see where it wants to go but can't quite work what's holding it back!  The funny thing is that it can spend a long time repeatedly banging its head against the window when it could be just a few centimetres away from an open door!  It needs to step back, look around and reevaluate the whole picture again.

It's time to retreat

 
This past weekend, I led the Sanctuary retreat.  Seven ladies plus myself travelled out of London to spend time with God.  It was an amazing time and God touched the lives of every single woman.

We talked about being transformed by God,

how precious we are to God and  

making the decision to live a holy life.  

We returned to London - refreshed, empowered and with a new spring in our step!  For many of us, we were like that fly continually banging our head against the window, getting dizzy and REALLY frustrated!

By taking time to retreat (step back, look around and reevaluate the whole picture), we allowed the following to happen:

Appreciate the place you are in - sometimes we are so focussed on what we think is better on the other side of the glass that we miss the beauty of where we are.

Have a different perspective - it's much easier to see more clearly when your head isn't spinning!  Pausing on a retreat often allows the noise and dizziness from a hectic life to pass and you can see things from a different perspective.

See the open door - stepping back allows you to see other possible routes out.  We can be so focussed on one particular way that we miss other opportunities by limiting what we expect from God.

I encourage you all to take time to retreat.  A weekend out in the country is a wonderful way to retreat but it is not the only way!  A few years ago, DH and I had a retreat at home - we unplugged the TV, switched off our mobile phones and turned on the answer machine.  We spent 24 hours alone with God and it was so refreshing.

Alternatively, spend a day away from home - travel out into the country or head to the beach.

Retreats don't have to cost much and are essential for our personal growth and well-being as well as strengthening our walk with God.

I've realised that I need to go back to the habit of regular retreats and will be scheduling in a couple more retreats before the end of this year.  In meantime, I'm putting the wheels in motion for the next Sanctuary retreat - so watch this space!

Until next time,
Cece
xxx

Thoughtful Thursday featuring Mandy Hudson

I have been looking forward to sharing my latest inspirational interview with you!  I would like to introduce you to Mandy Hudson.  Mandy was my youth leader during my teenage years and played a key role in influencing my first steps on the Christian walk!

Mandy is an amazing woman!  She continues to inspire me everytime I talk to her, so it was a real treat to have a chat with her for this post.  She describes herself as a lover of God and is currently based in New Zealand.

How would you describe the current season of life you are in?
God is in the process of answering a prayer placed on my heart.  This prayer can be found in Psalm 2, and it says "Ask of me and I'll give the nations to you".   During the first 6 months of 2013, God has opened up two new nations on two different continents!  It's a season of new things and blessings.

What are you currently working on?
There are three key areas in my life at the moment:

•  I currently work as a part time probation officer in New Zealand which involves mentoring offenders into pro-social lives.
•  I am also in the process of completing a theology degree
•  I teach part time for YWAM New Zealand on their DTS course

What would you consider to be your greatest achievement so far?
Everytime I've had the opportunity to invest in discipling another person.  I thank God for the opportunity to sow into what I will reap in eternity.  Degrees and well paid careers are of little value for where we are heading.   

So my greatest achievement will only be great if it affects eternity. 

What has been the greatest challenge you have overcome so far?
The decision to trust God with my life.  Responding to His call to leave my home nation and follow Him to the other side of the world and live there.


Do you have a faith?  If so, how has it contributed to the way you approach life?
Yes - it is the new lenses I see everything through - my purpose, my relationships, how I spend my money, how I suffer and enjoy pleasure.

I cannot hold a conversation, friendship without relating it to this Jesus who guides my life.  

(adapted from "The Call")

What is your biggest dream/goal?

To disciple the nations He gives me, to grow and make disciples, to build a community that is a refuge to many.

What or who inspires you?

• My friends- I love seeing God unfold amazing things in them that I never saw.
• Francis Schaeffer - he set up a community in Switerland and provided a place where people could go for retreats - searching and looking for answers.  The shelter he set was called L'Abri.
• Hudson Taylor - he was a missionary in China who had a passion to see the gospel reach many in China.  By the end of his lifetime, he saw 220,000 chinese people become missionaries.  To put that into context, the organisation YWAM has only 16,000 full time missionaries.
• John Maxwell - I love his inspirational books.  Every chapter motivates me to do something!  I have just finished reading "The 15 invaluable laws of growth" and have been applying his suggestion of reviewing the year.
• Rob Bell - this american pastor is a controversial choice but while I don't agree with some of his views, I do admire his creatvitiy in his teaching.
• William Young - the author of "The Shack".  I heard him speak in New Zealand and he talks about Jesus like he knows Him - a very personal perspective!
• Phillip Yancey - I enjoy reading his books and I'm currently reading "What good is God".  This is a book looking at 10 suffering areas in the world

What would you describe as the key advice/principle you are currently applying in your life?
It would be my life verse - Ephesians 5:2 which says "Live a life of love".  It sums up the motivation behind all we do as Christians.

I love because I'm loved.  I love because He first loved me.  I love because He is love. 

My thoughts

Well I'm not going to say much as there is plenty in this interview to ponder and reflect on, but I will say that I continue to admire Mandy's simple and passionate focus on loving God and doing His work!  

I'll just leave you with one key question to think about:

What are doing now that will have an impact on eternity?

Facebook Inspiration

So I've been a little naughty and have disappeared off the blogging scene for a week!  Sorry!  It got a little hectic and I fell off the blogging bandwagon but I'm climbing back on as we speak!

This week, I will be sharing an amazing interview with a wonderful woman who has played a key role in my life!  You don't want to miss it!  I was inspired just talking to her!  So look out for her interview on Thoughtful Thursday this week..

I thought that I would just pass by and share a few inspirational pictures that I have nabbed from Facebook.  I can't take credit for any of these wonderful images - they all came from Facebook and caused me to stop and reflect!

Enjoy! 

Thoughtful Thursday: The Importance of a Teachable Spirit

How teachable are you?

When I started to prepare for this post, I wanted to look at what the Bible says about being teachable and came across this scripture:

"If you love learning, you love the discipline that goes with it—
    how shortsighted to refuse correction!" 

(Proverbs 12:1) MSG

This was the nicest version of the scripture I could find.  Have a look at a few other versions:

 "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
    but whoever hates correction is stupid." (NIV)

"Whoever loves instruction and correction loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is like a brute beast, stupid and indiscriminating." (AMP)

I love the book of Proverbs!  It is full of such wisdom but can be brutally honest at times! It makes it very clear that being teachable is a wise thing to do but what does it mean to be teachable? 

According to dictionary.com, teachable means that you are "capable of being instructed, as a person or capable of being taught".  

As we walk through our Christian lives, it is essential that we are willing to learn from God and others.  Throughout the bible, we see several people being teachable and reaping the rewards.  We see Jesus' disciples being transformed into passionate teachers of the gospel by listening to His teachings and applying them.  They engaged fully in the learning experience - asking questions and taking the corrections when they came.

If we want to see growth in our lives, we must be willing to be teachable.  Being teachable isn't easy!  It can mean that at times you have admit that you are wrong and eat humble pie.  It also means that you have to be willing to face what can occasionally be the harsh truth!  A big challenge in today's society is that we are supposed to act like we know everything all of the time.  It seems that admitting that you don't know something is often seen as a sign of weakness rather than honesty!

But is there another side to being teachable?!

We so often hear the harsh side of being teachable - learning the hard lessons and being willing to make difficult changes.  It is very common for teachability to focus on us accepting our shortcomings or weaknesses - this is absolutely true and essential as God refines us into the image He created us to be!  

But I am learning that it is just as important to learn to be teachable about the good things too!  How do you react when someone tells you that you are gifted in a certain area?  Do you squirm with embarrassment and dismiss it?  Do you make some passing comment that downplays the importance of what they have said?  It is so easy to brush away praise from others because we think we're being humble BUT are we missing out on a lesson we should be learning?!

Over the past year, I have been realising that God has been trying to teach me about the gifts that He has placed within me, and I've been brushing away comments and insights that people have been sharing with me.  I've failed to be teachable in this area.  I know some of you have never thought of it in this way but think about it.

Being teachable is having a willingness to learn all the lessons - the good, the bad and the ugly!

So, until next time, remember to be teachable.  Listen to good advice.  Be willing to eat humble pie when necessary.  And don't assume that all the lessons are going to be bad!  

Cece
xxx

Thoughtful Thursday: Know Your Season

Hello! 

It's Thoughtful Thursday and to be honest, I've been a little stuck with what to write about so I decided to share with you a lesson that I have been learning over the last few years and still trying to perfect!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says:

"There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace."

 

Image from simprlc.wordpress.com

Over the last few years, God has been talking to me about knowing what season I am in.  In other words, learning to recognise what I should be doing now, what can be left for the future and how to stick to the plan!

I'm the type of person who wants to do everything NOW!  When I have a new idea or project, I'm very driven which has its benefits, but it does mean that I often fail to recognise when it's time to stop. 

Becoming a mum is forcing me to learn this lesson more rapidly.  In the past, I have run myself into the ground trying to achieve all things at all times, but now that Babygirl is on the scene, I have no choice but to prioritise.  Now I would love to say that I have always got it right - but I haven't!

In life, it is so important to tune into God to hear what He is saying about your current season.  I have so many times tried to achieve things at the wrong time, or failed to recognise the opportune time for certain projects.

So, as you read this post, take time to consider the season you are in.

• What are your main priorities right now?
• Does your life/calendar fall in line with those priorities?
• If not, why not and what do you need to change? If it is, how will you ensure that this is maintained?
• What is God saying about your current season?  Have you bothered to ask ..... and wait for the answer?

Knowing and understanding your season prevents wasting time on pointless activities and ensures that your energy is focussed on the important things.

Think about it!

Until next time,

Cece

xxx

Thoughtful Thursday: Keeping Up Appearances

Hello,

This Thursday I wanted to share a topic we discussed in the ladies' brunch that I run.  

I grew up watching a nineties sitcom called "Keeping Up Appearances".  The main character is a lady called Hyacinth Bucket (she pronouces her surname as "bouquet") who is intent on being seen as a "woman of class".  Watching it got me thinking about what it must be like to be Hyacinth and also to live with her.  Her insecurities about her background has caused her to become obsessed with appearing to be what she considers to be "upper class".

 Image taken from www.bookcrossing.com

In our lives, living in the society that we live in, it is so easy to be drawn into keeping up appearances. We spend a lot of time consciously or unconsciously comparing ourselves to others. This is tiring and demoralising as we are trying to compare one unique creation to various other unique creations. We struggle with wanting to be like someone that we think has it all together not realising that we should be focussing on becoming who God has called us to be.

Read Romans 12:4-6 (the message version outlines it really well!). 

"Why spend your time longing to be a foot when you are designed and created to be an ear?!  And can you imagine how poorly our body would function if body parts started to behave like this?"

In summary, the only "appearances" that you should be keeping to is the image of the person God created you to be.  It starts with you discovering who God created you to be - make sure it's not just a patchwork job of the various people you have seen around you but that you are working from the original image.

Discovering the correct image is a journey and takes time, but God is teaching me that it starts with allowing Him to gradually refine my character and listen out for His voice when making decisions.

Keep up the appearances by all means - just make sure you're looking at the right image!

Until next time,

Cece

xxx

Thoughtful Thursday featuring Nichola Williams (aka NobleWife Nic)

So here it is!  The first in my series on inspirational women.  Our first guest is a lady that attends the same church as me and has inspired me even though we haven't talked often or spent much time together.  This is a classic example of how we can influence others without even saying a word to them!

I am pleased to feature Nichola Williams (aka Noble Wife) on my blog today.  It was great fun having a chat with her and I learnt a lot through our brief conversation!

Nichola describes herself as a wife and mum - an ordinary lady (nothing spectacular) but someone who God wants to use to impact others.

Let the questions begin!

How would you describe the current season of life you are in?
I would say that I am in a transition season.  I'm trying to find my feet as I move from being a stay at home mum to something else!  I have been at home with my children and my youngest has started reception, so for the first time in ten years, no-one is at home during the day!

What are you currently working on?
I am predominantly a housewife caring for my home and family.  This role is often misunderstood and is a lot To more work than people often think.  I am also active in the local community and church - I run an 8 week parenting course in Southwark, a weekly drop-in session for parents under 21 and I head the Sunday school in my local branch.  I am also in the process of publishing my first book!

What would you consider to be your greatest achievement so far?
My family - I have invested a lot into my family, by choosing not to pursue a career and managing on one income.  It hasn't been easy but worthwhile.  I feel proud when I see how balanced my children are.

What has been the greatest challenge you have overcome so far?
Myself - I have had to overcome my self doubt, procrastination, fear and sometimes laziness.  By far, my greatest challenge has been overcoming things that I do.  I have had to overcome incorrect prioritising and learn how to say no at times.  This is an ongoing challenge, but what has helped me to do this is to use the frustration of lack of progress in key areas in my life to motivate me to prioritise correctly.

Do you have a faith?  If so, how has it contributed to the way you approach life?
Yes I have a faith in Jesus.  I seek to follow His ways and teachings and this frames all I do. Jesus gives me daily strength which enables me to get up and keep going.  I approach life aware of the limited resources and my weakness but I know that Jesus can use these.  It's a comforting thought to know that in spite of my weaknesses, I can still be used by God.

What is your biggest dream/goal?
To change the way parenting and the family is viewed.  I would like society to understand the importance of family and God's original intention for family.  The state of our families directly affects the state of our society.

What or who inspires you?
Aside from Jesus, there are a few key people who have inspired me and influenced me:

• Pastor Sheron Ankrah has mentored me and taught me so much.  She has especially taught me how to pray. 
• Lisa Bevere's simple teachings have helped me to understand how women were created to be.
• Priscilla Shirer has inspired me to be a woman.
• My children have inspired me to climb higher and run faster.  I find that talking to children provides great inspiration.  They are ordinary people with extraordinary potential.

What would you describe as the key advice/principle you are currently applying in your life?

Step out.  Sometimes we want to make a whole plan with clear goals but often our knowledge is limited.  Sometime we need to step out regardless of the lack of information.  Proverbs 16:9 says "A man's heart plans his way but the Lord directs his steps".  As step out on those things, God will direct where we go.

My thoughts inspired by Nichola

The interview really got me thinking about what the main priorities in my life are.  Society tells us that we should build a career at all costs to be successful, but I am beginning to realise that we often kill ourselves for our career when ultimately this is the area of life that we are most disposable!  We may not like to hear it but we can be easily replaced in our workplace - they may miss us but they'll get over it!  To our families - we are irreplaceable.  Maybe we need to make our life decisions with that in mind!

I would like to thank Nichola for taking the time to speak to me and share her thoughts.  Please take time to visit and subscribe to her blog by clicking her picture above. 

And don't forget to subscribe to my blog before you go! (see the link on the right on my blog page)

I'll close with an image I came across on someone else's blog:

Until next time,

Cece xxx

Live the life you love!

Babygirl has been living with us for 7 weeks now and it feels like life has always been like this.  It has been tiring and fabulous all at the same time and I feel like I've found "home".  I feel really settled in my new role as a mum and I'm doing my best to savour every moment of it!

The pace of life is still hectic and yet feels so much more purposeful.  Babygirl is doing well and progressing quickly.  She has a wonderful personality and is always willing to let you know exactly what she thinks!  She's a no-nonsense kind of girl.  Our house has settled into a steady routine and DH and I are enjoying our new way of life.

Interestingly, DH and I seem to be spending more time together than we did before Babygirl came.  The evenings after she's gone to bed have become time for us to chat and spend quality time together.  With DH's studies, there are evenings when he needs to lock himself away and focus but then I use those evenings to chill, make a few phone calls or get an early night.

My new responsibility of being a mother has made me evaluate my life intensely and I'm still in a major process of self-examination - but one of the key things that has come up is to "Live the life I love".  I am increasingly aware that my actions now act as an example of how to do life for Babygirl.  One of things that I want Babygirl to encourage to do is to go for her dreams.  I want her to focus on discovering her passion and pursuing it wholeheartedly without reservation.  This way of life is something that has been on my mind for a few years now and I touched on it in one of my previous posts, but the arrival of Babygirl has made it seem more relevant and more urgent!

So I have decided to "live the life I love".  Now I know it is going to take time to get to the final picture that I have in my head but it starts with me believing that it's possible and going for it.  Due to my upbringing, living the life I love is not as straightforward as it would seem.

There are two key questions that I have to answer to achieve this ultimate goal:

1.  What do I love?  As a child, I wasn't really encouraged to look at what I enjoyed doing but was pushed towards enjoying whatever needed to be done.  For example, it wasn't about whether I loved Science and wanted to pursue it as a career, it was more about a Science degree is a good idea so do it and learn to love it.  So choosing to live the life I love means that I have to firstly discover what I love.  I'm realising that this means that I'm going to have to spend some time trying out things and seeing if I love it or not!  This is part of the motivation behind my new business venture which I have talked about in my other blog.  I'm going to try it and see how it goes!

2.  How do I live it?  This is the standard question we all ask when choosing to live the life we love.  We need to work out how to get to the picture we see in our heads and start to plan.  It might take years to get there but it starts with having a plan and taking the first step.

So I encourage you all to live the life you love!  The picture that God is building for me is exciting and challenging but I know that it's going to be worth it and that I can trust Him - look at what He's done so far in my life! :-)

Until next time,
Cece
xxx

Reflecting on the journey

Well, the first legal hurdle has been passed and a placement order has been finalised for our little one! Our SW called last week to let us know that the child would now be starting the process of being prepared to move to a new family!

Each day, it begins to feel more real and I am slowly beginning to actually believe that it's going to happen! I have started to buy things with more conviction and I do get a little overwhelmed when another baby related item arrives.

Term finished this week and the last few days have given me space to really think about how much my life is about to change. I guess this must be how pregnant women feel as they approach the end of their pregnancy. I constantly feel a mixture of emotions - sheer joy and delight that I can finally walk through the baby section and look at things to buy without wanting to sob with grief! On the other hand, there is that nerve wrecking knowledge that you haven't quite made it! In my conversations with the SW, I quite easily forget that there is still the panel to get through as she talks with such assurance and conviction that this is a done deal! However, it isn't real until we manage to convince panel that we are the right people for this baby. Panel will be taking place around mid January with introductions scheduled to take place during the last week of January.

I have waited so long for this moment. The past few years have been so hard but I have learnt so much about God and myself.

1. I have learnt that God is able to use the things that you thought would break you to make you stronger and infuse more of His character in you.

2. I have learnt that God can use these circumstances to help you to see not only your weaknesses but also your strengths. One of the key things I had to face was would I love God even if I never got what I wanted? At the start I wasn't sure that I could say "yes" but this journey has taught me that my love for God is deeper than I previously realised or appreciated. It is easy to say what you would do in certain circumstances but it isn't until you are there that you really find out what is in you. Over this journey, I have seen some pretty awful things in me that God has so lovingly refined and continues to deal with. At the same time, I have discovered strengths that I never knew I had!

Many people may ask why do I believe in God? Why do I put my trust in Jesus Christ? My answer is simply this - in all that I have been through and all that I have has experienced, He has NEVER failed me. He may not deal with my issues in the way that I feel at the time is the right way, but His way has always been better! If I had the choice to face the pain of infertility and the challenges of adoption with or without God, I would always choose to do it with Him. The pain and challenges remain, but the difference is that I can be sure that in the midst of the suffering that my God will perfect ALL that concerns me!

The reflective nature of this post may sound like I'm bringing this blog to a close, but that is not the case. I am always extra reflective at this time of year. I will keep writing. I will do my best to document what it is like to go through the final stages of the adoption process, how it feels to meet our child for the first time and the challenges of adjusting to my new role as a mother. (Wow! Writing the last part of that sentence just made me want to cry! To think that there was a time when I thought that I would never be able to say those words!)

I know that there is much more for me to write over the next year. God has made it very clear that this child is just the first chapter of my life as a mother and I intend to read the book to the end!

I am unlikely to write another post before Christmas, so I will take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a blessed new year. I encourage you all to take time to reflect on what God has done over this year - there is much to be thankful for. Even if it's been a tough year, thank God that you are still here to see Him turn it around for your benefit!

Stay blessed and keep smiling,
Cece
xx

Don't forget to take Him with you!

This week I had a Homer Simpson moment!  You know when he slaps his forehead and exclaims "DOH!" as he realises that he's done something really stupid!  Well, that was me.  Let me give you some background as to how I got to this place!

This week has been hectic - I've been tutoring students, solving a wide range of problems at work and preparing various activities outside of work.  Busy, busy, busy!  So I was somewhat relieved when the social worker cancelled our meeting this week.  It meant that I actually had an evening to just sit down and relax with DH.  However, during our general chit chat we got back to the topic of adoption, with a particular focus on some the other prospective adopters who are currently going through the assessment process.  We discussed a couple who were waiting to see whether they would be allowed to continue with the process as the social worker has some concerns about their financial situation.  We know that we don't necessarily have the full picture, but to be honest, their financial situation didn't seem that bad and we were shocked to hear that their process was in jeopardy for this reason.  My heart went out to this couple - they have already been through so much due to failed IVF cycles and now seemed to be getting a raw deal in the adoption process.

And then it came - FEAR!

What if I haven't lost enough weight?  What if they don't think we're committed enough?  What if they say that we need more savings?  As I tried to find out what EXACTLY the social worker would be looking for in adoptive parents, it became apparent that the criteria was so vague and subjective that it seems to come down to the preferences of the social worker.

I arrived at the next stage - PANIC!

What if they decide that we can't adopt?  What if they actually say no to us?  Could I handle that?  What would the next step be?  Will I ever become a mummy?!  I shared my concerns with my mum in an emotional phone call this week - she did her best to reassure me, despite me being convinced that no-one seemed to understand just how bad this could be.  Then she made a simple and powerful statement - "Have you forgotten all that God has already done in the past?"  She proceeded to remind me of all the times that God had come through and made possible what seemed impossible.

And there it was the Homer moment - DOH!

How had I forgotten who God was and what He can do?  I thought that I had packed God securely into my backpack for the journey but apparently He had fallen out and I hadn't even noticed!

Psalm 103 says:
1 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless His Holy name!
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
3 who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
5 who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Do you see it there in verse 2? - "Forget not all His benefits".  There has to be a reason why David wrote that - possibly because we as humans have a habit of doing exactly that!

So, having come to my senses and realised that God is ultimately in control of my life.  I would like to remind you all that whatever path you may be on - don't forget to take God with you!  If you've forgotten Him along the way, hurry back and put Him back into your rucksack.  Make sure that He's securely in place and I'd advise you to make regular stops on the way to make sure you haven't carelessly dropped Him along the way.

Psalm 138:8 says that He will perfect all that concerns me - and that includes adoption as far as I'm concerned!

God bless,
Cece
xxx

Simplicity

This weekend I met up with a new friend - she was introduced to me by someone who reads this blog.  It was lovely to share and get to know each other better, and I really felt so refreshed after spending time with her!  It was during our conversation that I started to ponder on the power of simplicity.  We were talking about the challenges that we can face in life and how to handle them.  I made a passing comment about the importance of just "being" and she really focussed on that statement.  She also made a statement about remembering the word that God has given to me.  These two statements remained with me for several days, and as I pondered on these thoughts - the word "simplicity" became more prominent in my mind.

The SIMPLICITY of ministry was the first thing that I realised.  We had spent a few hours talking but had managed to minister to each other.  As I said on my facebook status later that day:  "Ministry is simpler than we think - love God, love others."

The SIMPLICITY of "being me" was the next point - this has been my phrase for a few years now but I'm still learning what it actually means.  Each day I am learning that God can use me more effectively when I concentrate on being who I am.  I am seeing that there is no part of me that is mistake as far as His creation goes.  He made me and can use me as I am!  What a revelation!

The SIMPLICITY of standing on God's word.  This can be difficult and yet is such a simple and powerful priniciple.  I know what God has told me and I know what I should be doing right now.  When I remember this, the next steps seem so much clearer but the difficulty is remembering to keep it simple and stand on His word.

The SIMPLICITY of walking with God - love Him, follow Him, serve Him.

In life, we can become so caught up with the busyness of life.  We can continually set new goals to achieve and new projects to work on but in the midst of the activity - we can lose simplicity. 

Infertility has definitely managed to strangle simplicity out of my life for the last few years.  I have spent hours trying to work out the best route to go and attempting to make an action plan for every possible outcome.  It has been exhausting and so complicated!

When we lose simplicity, we can lose focus on what is truly important and clutter our lives with the "unimportant".  As I consider the path of simplicity - I can see that it requires more faith, less activity but brings so much more peace.

I think it may be time to stop running and striving, and time to relax and truly place my trust in God.

Keep it simple!

The end of 2011

Well, another year has come to an end!  This year has been tough in many ways but so enlightening in other ways.  I went away for a few days to relax and think about what I wanted to see in 2012.  Over the last few months, God has really been helping me to look at what I want in life in general. 

Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a friend, who died a few weeks ago at the age of 32.  The funeral was, by far, the best funeral I have ever been to.  A strange statement I know but as I sat in the service, I couldn't help thinking that this young lady had lived so much in the short life she had.  She had clearly outlined what she wanted at her funeral and so the service reflected her so well!

I wanted to write this post to summarise all that God has been saying to me recently.  These points were so beautifully summed up in the funeral yesterday that I had to write it down:

1.  Do what you are passionate about - when a person follows their passion, their life tends to have so much more meaning and purpose.

2.  Do it now! - we always assume that we have all the time in the world but in reality we don't know when we will be called home.  Make sure that you use your time on Earth doing what you're supposed to do!

3.  There is more to life than having babies! - my friend never married and never had children but managed to live with such purpose and joy!  I still want to have children but I must say that the recent events have reminded me that I can't afford to focus on this one area of my life and stop enjoying all the richness that is available in this world.

So these are my closing thoughts for 2011.  Live life to the fullest!  Even if the things you want have not happened this year, God is still good and then is still much to look forward to!

Thank you to all of you who have been reading my blog over the last year.  You have truly been through a rollercoaster journey with me and I look forward to seeing you all in 2012.

God bless and Happy New Year!

In the Wilderness

Hello everyone!

I hope that you are well and continuing to pursue your dreams and passions.  I have not been on here for a long time and that's simply because I wasn't sure that I had much to say.  So it has been several months now and to be honest - not much has changed.  I am frustrated, angry and verging on despondency.  It is so hard to express what has been going on.  I have officially hit a brick wall - this issue has truly taken me to my limit.  I have tried all that I know and now realise that I can't keep repeating the same steps if I want to see a change, so I now have to take some steps that I've avoided for a long time.

The infertility issue has brought out so much more than I thought.  I thought that the early stages were painful but now I'm seeing that God is going to use this issue to cause me to tackle some things that I've buried for a long time. These issues need to tackled if I want to be able to move on in my life but I know that it's going to be a painful process.  It's amazing how God can use one issue to touch the depths that He wants to deal with.  Earlier in this blog, I mentioned that I felt that this issue could be the making of me and I still believe that - I just didn't realise that it would go so deep and hurt so much.

Ok, I know that what I've said doesn't make much sense but that's pretty much how my brain is working at the moment.  I know that it will become clearer with time and have even already prepared a separate blog for when clarity comes.  It's a new blog because this has become so much bigger than the issue of infertility.  I've come on here to ask you all to keep praying for me.

It's been over a year since the doctor broke the devastating news to me and left me crying in the hospital foyer in shock.  It's been a year since I've fought back tears whilst teaching reproduction to my year 7 students.  I don't cry so much now (although some would argue that's part of the problem) but now I am fighting bitterness and complacency.  Pray that God will help me through what is increasingly become a dark and difficult place to be. 

My one hope is God - I know who He is and what He can do.  I guess my question is simply, "Will He do it for me?"

Take care,
Cece
xxx

Learning To Stand

I hope that you all have been having a wonderful summer.  My summer has been full and productive although my main goal of completing an IVF cycle has not happened and I will returning to work in 2 weeks.  I am disappointed but I feel like I have arrived at another stage in this journey.

I have wept bitter tears, questioned God, envied others, seen the benefits of my situation and then plunged into deep depression as I faced the difficulties.  I have obsessed over losing weight until I became bored of food and dismissed my weight loss, so far, as not enough.  And now I am learning to stand.

This new position has been inspired by a few women in the Bible as well as a scripture in Ephesians.   My first hero is Elizabeth - having reached an old age and now apparently not expecting to have a child anymore, she becomes the mother of John the Baptist.  There is something comforting about seeing a woman who really wasn't expecting it to happen and suddenly God comes along and does it!   I can imagine what it must have been like to spend all those years hoping and watching your "fertile" years pass by.  It is evident from the story that her and her husband had been praying but it seemed as though they had now concluded that maybe it wasn't God's plan after all!  Then an angel comes along and changes everything!

Second hero has to be Hannah!  Re-reading Hannah's story this week really challenged me.  Hannah promised to hand over her child to God if He blessed her with a son.  Let's pause and think about that!  She has been asking for a child for years with bitter tears and now she agrees to hand over the one thing that she wanted so badly!  Surely, part of having children is to enjoy watching them grow up, but to a certain extent Hannah forfeited that!  She was blessed with more children, but what a promise to make when there is no guarantee that you would have another!  Hannah challenges me to let go - to hand over everything to God willingly.

These two women along with Ephesians 6 have helped me to reach the position of standing.  Hannah challenges me to let go completely and Elizabeth encourages me to stand.  In Ephesians 6:13 it says "Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger], and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]."  In essence, having done all that you can, all that's left to do it stand.  Now I know that there is more that I can do - mainly lose weight but aside from that all I can do now is stand and wait.

The weight loss has been tough and I feel so disheartened at times when I let myself down in that area and as I mentioned in my last post, it feels like my success not only affects me but also DH.  Now, I'm simply asking God to help me each day to be disciplined and reach the goal.  But even when the weight loss is conquered, I know that there may well be a lot more standing to do.  I don't know when God is going to do it - it could be next month, or it could be in ten years time.  All I know is that I can decide how I wait.

So my aim over the next month is to assume the standing position.  This is involves trusting that God's got it covered, focussing on serving others by carrying out the ministry I know that God has called me to and waiting for Him to do it.

Stay blessed,
Cece
xxx

Taking a Break

Over the last week, God has been talking to me about how I handle this journey.  I feel so refreshed having embraced the journey and expecting God to work through me and work it out.  But it has been impressed on my heart and confirmed by a friend that I need to be careful about how I define myself in the midst of this journey.

I am not an infertile woman - I am a woman battling infertility.  This may seem to be a simple play on words but the meaning behind them is so significant.  One phrase leaves me sentenced to the outcome of whatever "infertility" decides to hand out.  The other separates my identity from infertility.  Infertility will always have played a major role in helping me to become who I am but it is not a definition of who I am.  I know that some of you reading this may not understand, and that's OK.  You may feel that I am being ridiculous by "denying" that I have been diagnosed with infertility.  I am fully aware of what the doctor's report says, and I am not attempting to deny it.  However I am also fully aware of the God that I serve.  He is able and nothing is impossible with Him.  When He sees me, He does not see an infertile woman but a woman who is fruitful.  How do I know this?  Because I haven't heard any such report from God.  The day God tells me that it is not part of  His plan for me to fall pregnant and have children, is the day that I will stop expecting it to happen.  In the meantime I must ensure that my stance is one of expectation.

I am going to taking a break from writing my blog for a little while.  I will be returning and completing my journey but for the next couple of months, my focus will be on losing weight and getting ready for the upcoming IVF cycle.  I have thought about it carefully and discussed it with DH and I will be blogging during the cycle.  I believe that it will be a helpful process for those who want to understand what it's like.

In the next two months, I just want to focus on getting ready physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for what may lie ahead.  I want to ensure that DH and I are well prepared for the challenge as I know that many have said that the whole process can be very taxing on relationships.  So I ask that all of you out there who have been reading my blog continue to pray for us as we prepare for the next step.  Even though I may not be online I will still be praying for the people out there trying to conceive.

So you are unlikely to hear from me again until towards the end of June, unless of course, God decides to bless us with a pregnancy before that!

Stay blessed and keep believing, because He is able!
Cece
xxx

Finding God's will

Over the weekend I hosted a ladies brunch which went well.  We had a good turnout and the general feedback was that it was really helpful.  In many ways, it was lovely to hear women talk candidly and sharing some of the deepest issues they have faced.  I know that many people left feeling encouraged and free to share their heart before God.

A particular issue that came up not only in the brunch but also in church the following Sunday was knowing God's will.  In the brunch we briefly discussed the need to know what God's will is on an issue before you start to pursue that thing.  This point has really resonated with me as I feel that this is the exact stage I am at.  Let me explain.....

Sometimes when we face a challenge or a desire that we have placed before God that we have not yet received, we start our prayer from the position of "Lord I want this.  What do I have to do to get it?  What have I done that is stopping me from receiving it?  Increase my faith in this area to believe that you can do it".  We may even spend time thanking God for what He is going to do for us BUT the question is "What is that assurance based on?"  Have we actually asked God what He wants for us in this area or are just assuming that because it is our desire that it's therefore our right to get it from God?  It is my belief that unless we know what God is saying to us on that issue then we have no ground to stand on at all!

I am now asking God to let me know what His word is on this issue of infertility for me and DH.  It is not enough that others can tell me what they are believing God for on my behalf.  I need to hear from God myself.  I cannot stand boldly and say that I will become pregnant until I have heard from God.  So this is what I am seeking - to know what God's will is.  I can also now say that because I am willing to accept God's will even if it means no children. You see if God tells me that I will have a child naturally then that shifts my position.  I have something to stand on and expect - even if the circumstances suggest that it is not possible, the fact that God said it settles the matter.  However, if God tells me "no" as much as I may be disappointed, my prayer can become "Lord give me grace and help me to see what You have planned instead".

When we face an issue, it is so easy to convince ourselves that we know what God's outcome is for us (usually in line with what we want) but I am now realising that our first question to ask God is "What are you saying about this?"

Therefore I urge you to find out what God is saying about your issue.  It may give you the word that you need to stand on or if may release you from struggling for something that is not part of God's plan for you.  Either way I believe that you will find peace in the process.

God bless,
Cece
xxx

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there!  I say this geniunely from my heart and look forward to the day that I join your club! :-)

Well, a few of the people who have been reading my blog have asked how they can help to support me during this journey.  I know that a lot of my close friends have felt a little stunned by my last post as I was brutally honest.  This brutal honesty helped them to understand my pain in more detail but also left them feeling quite helpless.  So here is my advice.  I can only tell you what I find helpful but anyone else out there who is on this journey, feel free to post your comments.  On a bad day, I need the same support you would give to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.  When someone has lost a loved one, you just support them by being there and letting them talk about it if they want to.  We don't offer advice on how to get over their loss nor to do we tell them that is going to be OK.  We are just provide a reassurring presence of support.  For me that's the best support that I can get at the low points.  Earlier this week, my two best friends came over to see me.  I was feeling really low and being good friends they sensed this and turned up at my house.  We talked a little bit about my struggle but it was just so nice to have company and know that they were there for me.  I want to use this public forum to thank them - it was just what I needed!  As I told them in a text that evening, it reminded me that although I have to walk this path on my own - I am not alone!

So I'm feeling rather positive at the moment.  I am not sure how much of my happiness is due to the great weekend that I've had but I must say that I am feeling pretty good.  It's been a while since I've felt this good!  Yesterday I went out with some uni friends and it was just so nice to be out on the town!   We ate amazing food and enjoyed cocktails at a lovely bar.  It was just so nice to be out with people and having fun!  As I walked along Oxford Street heading to catch the underground train, I felt a real sense of contentment.  I guess I felt like I was actually living life!  As I've thought about it throughout today, I've realised that this is exactly what I had been missing - living life!  We can spend so much time, planning for the future, worrying about what we don't have and longing for what others have, that we fail to appreciate the life we have today and we fail to live it!  When battling infertility this can become rampant in your life.  You spend time reading online networks to get more tips on the preparing for IVF.  You wonder where you will get the money and whether you should have made that purchase. You read success stories and rewrite it in your mind with you as the main character.  You read about those who weren't successful and worry about how you will respond if you get the starring role in that version of the story.  This isn't living!  It is waiting to start living and it can last for years!!  Life is for living and so I'm going to start doing that!  No, I'm not going to start going out every night and partying wildly BUT I am going to make a conscious effort to enjoy life and all it has to offer.

Now I'll be honest, I'm not sure why things seem so good today. I am hoping that it is sign of me moving towards the path of peace in God that I have been looking for, but I have been on this road long enough to know that it could all be very different tomorrow.  As I told my friend recently, one day I can watch a woman give birth on TV and smile at the beauty of the miracle of life.  On other day, the title of the programme is enough to make me cry, so we will see what tomorrow brings.

However, I am confident that God has started a work in me that He will complete and I know that part of that involves me being at peace with myself and whatever life brings.  So I pray, keep working on me God and in the midst of it all - protect my heart!

Love you all and have a great day!
Cece
xxx