Just a little excited!

Hi everyone!  I just had to write this post.  We have our next meeting with the social worker tomorrow.  As I've been completing the various tasks she has given to us, I have been feeling an increased sense of excitement.  The decision to pursue adoption has been like a breath of fresh air - I feel like I'm finally taking steps to move along my path.  I wish I had started this process much earlier - I feel so much better!  I have HOPE!

I am still battling a few fears.  I have spent some time reading forums about the adoption process and come across some real horror stories.  The fact is that the social worker will decide whether or not we are suitable, which leads to the question "What happens if she decides that we shouldn't have children?!"  It is so awful to hear from couples who have almost got to the end of the assessment process only to find that the social worker had decided it wasn't going to work!  I can't imagine what that must feel like - especially for a couple who has already faced disappointment through IVF. 

As excited as I am, there is still something daunting about the fact that a person will decide whether or not we should be allowed to become parents.  A key decision that will affect our lives seems to be lying in the hands of someone else!  I guess that's where prayer comes in!

Until next time,
Cece
xxx

Being Assessed

So as a teacher, I am used to assessing my students on a regular basis.  I'm even used to being assessed myself through regular lesson observations, but this week I had a new experience - being assessed as a potential parent.

This week we had our first meeting with the social worker who will be assessing us for adoption.  It's such a strange feeling - you want to prove that you can be a good parent but you're not sure if you're hitting all the right points.  You worry that what you say will be misinterpreted and that as a result they will decide that you're not suitable.  The social worker does seem lovely and we have plenty of homework to work on until the next meeting.

In the meantime, I have been left with a weird combinations of feelings - excitement, relief and sheer panic!

Excitement: we are finally moving ahead towards parenthood!  The hope of being able to raise a child is coming closer - the possibility of completing our family is just on the horizon!

Relief: there is something about finally making a decision.  The decision to pursue adoption wholeheartedly has brought about an immense sense of peace and relief.  I feel like I finally know where I'm going and that I can now start to make plans for the future!

Panic:  This is a panic mixed with joy!  I now know that I have to put some solid plans together to prepare for the role of mummy.  Things need to be done NOW!  I can feel my planning mode kicking in!  In fact, once I finish this post I'm going to sit down and start working on it.

So that's where I am at the moment - motivated, focussed and delightfully happy!  I have HOPE! :-)

Until next time,
Cece
xx

PS:  I am thinking of changing the title of this blog - I am still on a journey but it doesn't feel like a battle so much now.  Let me know what you think!

Simplicity

This weekend I met up with a new friend - she was introduced to me by someone who reads this blog.  It was lovely to share and get to know each other better, and I really felt so refreshed after spending time with her!  It was during our conversation that I started to ponder on the power of simplicity.  We were talking about the challenges that we can face in life and how to handle them.  I made a passing comment about the importance of just "being" and she really focussed on that statement.  She also made a statement about remembering the word that God has given to me.  These two statements remained with me for several days, and as I pondered on these thoughts - the word "simplicity" became more prominent in my mind.

The SIMPLICITY of ministry was the first thing that I realised.  We had spent a few hours talking but had managed to minister to each other.  As I said on my facebook status later that day:  "Ministry is simpler than we think - love God, love others."

The SIMPLICITY of "being me" was the next point - this has been my phrase for a few years now but I'm still learning what it actually means.  Each day I am learning that God can use me more effectively when I concentrate on being who I am.  I am seeing that there is no part of me that is mistake as far as His creation goes.  He made me and can use me as I am!  What a revelation!

The SIMPLICITY of standing on God's word.  This can be difficult and yet is such a simple and powerful priniciple.  I know what God has told me and I know what I should be doing right now.  When I remember this, the next steps seem so much clearer but the difficulty is remembering to keep it simple and stand on His word.

The SIMPLICITY of walking with God - love Him, follow Him, serve Him.

In life, we can become so caught up with the busyness of life.  We can continually set new goals to achieve and new projects to work on but in the midst of the activity - we can lose simplicity. 

Infertility has definitely managed to strangle simplicity out of my life for the last few years.  I have spent hours trying to work out the best route to go and attempting to make an action plan for every possible outcome.  It has been exhausting and so complicated!

When we lose simplicity, we can lose focus on what is truly important and clutter our lives with the "unimportant".  As I consider the path of simplicity - I can see that it requires more faith, less activity but brings so much more peace.

I think it may be time to stop running and striving, and time to relax and truly place my trust in God.

Keep it simple!

Waiting

Hi everyone

I had intended to write some posts after the last two sessions of our adoption training but I had returned to work and as usual I got sucked back into the busyness of life!  We completed the training and submitted our application form for adoption on the last day of training.  We decided that we wanted to move ahead with adoption and we are now waiting for a social worker to be allocated to us for the assessment process to begin.

The whole assessment process should take about 8 months from the date we submitted our application form.  We submitted it on 1 March so we should be aiming to complete the process by the end of this year.  It is rather exciting and it feels good to know that we are moving ahead towards parenthood finally.

In the meantime, I am continuing with my goal of losing weight.  It is going well - although the scales have yet to display significant difference - the fit of my clothes is definitely changing for the better!

But to be honest, my reason for writing today isn't really linked to any of these points.  Today started off well but has gradually changed into a not so good day.  I'm not so sure why but I have found myself gradually descending into a minor pity party.  I can't quite put my finger on it but I am feeling a little vulnerable today.

In some ways, it is rather annoying that these days happen, because for the rest of the time I feel like I'm coping.  Then a day comes along like this and you realise that if you take a few minutes to be still you'll discover the emotions are just bubbling away under the surface waiting to come flooding out.

I hate feeling sorry for myself!  And sometimes, I just don't understand what my problem is!  I think today I'm feeling like I'm waiting.

In life, we spend a lot of time waiting - waiting for the kids to come, waiting for the right job to come along, waiting for the kids to grow up and leave, waiting for the right time to start a new project.  I guess I'm tired of waiting.  Now I know I should be so excited about the upcoming adoption process and I am, but I can't help feeling like it's another period of suspended animation as I wait for the next stage.  I guess my frustration comes from the fact that I have been waiting for almost 4 years now and feel that little progress has been made in that time.

The problem with waiting the way that I have over the last few years is that you don't really manage to achieve anything.  You are so consumed by the goal, that you dare not try or start anything just in case the thing you've been waiting for finally arrives!  But what do you do when you've waited and waited and waited and nothing has come?  You can't help looking back and wondering whether you've been wasting your time.  DH says that I'm being too hard on myself and that I needed that time to work through the pain and grief.  I see his point but at the same time as we now start the journey towards adoption - I can't help thinking of all the things that I had wanted to do but put off because I MIGHT get pregnant!  Now I can't do those things because I'm starting the adoption process!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe the last 4 years of my life could have been spent better.  Maybe I could have focussed on doing the other things I want in life instead of obsessing over something that wasn't going to happen anyway!

Maybe I am being too harsh on myself - maybe not!  In the meantime, I'm feeling rather crappy today.  I feel like I need a change but I'm realising that the only change I really want is to become a mummy.  I've thought about a change in job, a change in location, but ultimately there is only one thing that I really want - a child.  The problem is - once again, I''m going to have to wait!

Until next time,
Cece

Adoption Training 2

And so the training continues!  Yesterday we completed our second day of training - by the end of the day we realised that this was REAL training.  We learnt so much about how to cater for children who have experienced abuse and neglect, and I certainly began to understand what DH and I would have to offer these children.  I must say that increasingly I am being drawn down the path of adoption - it was always on the cards but now I feel so ready to get started!  I think DH may feel the same!

We will be continuing our training next week for another two days and then we make the final decision as to whether we want to move ahead at this stage.  DH seems to be in the same place as me and I think that a clear path may be forming in front of us!

This journey can involve so many questions and often leaves you standing on the path confused and unsure about the next step.  Please pray that DH and I will continue on the path towards clarity about what God wants for us.  Please also pray for those who are still trying to work what their next step should be.

Take care and God bless,
Cece
xx

Adoption Training 1

So I'm sitting in bed after a very intense day of training in preparation for adoption.  DH and I are really tired and to be honest, I really don't have the energy to write a lot but I do want to document the process we are going through .... here we go! 

Today, the course introduced the process of adoption, the children looking for a permanent home and the impact of adopting children who have suffered abuse or nelgect.  The day was sobering and also exciting.  The harsh reality of what adoption involves has begun to set in.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, adoption is NOT a cure for infertility but rather a ministry.  You are dealing with children who have suffered some terrible things and you are aiming to provide them with the stability they need.

A friend who is currently pregnant mentioned that being a parent is all about sacrifice - she expressed that this is evident even during pregnancy as her body adjusts to cater for the needs of her baby.  Today her comments came back to my mind as I thought about the fact that adoption makes this exact fact very obvious.  The process is not so much about DH and I becoming parents but more about a child finding a safe and secure home where they can thrive and heal from the previous experiences.  That's ministry - and as ever ministry equates to sacrifice!

The course really forced us to examine our ideas about adoption carefully.  If any of the prospective adopters arrived with a picture of a loving child who runs into their arms with delight saying "mummy",  the course today made it very clear that this may not be the case at all.  As an adoptive parent, you are dealing with the mistakes of the others.  Therefore you may find yourself parenting a child who has delayed development or who does and says inappropriate things in front of family and friends.  How do you handle the rejection when your child pushes you away everytime you want to comfort them or give them a hug?  Or displays violent behaviour at a children's party?

On the other hand, the prospect of being able to give a child the stability they need leaves a wonderful warm feeling inside. 

DH and I have space in our home and our hearts to give that to a child (or two!).  So as I lay in bed, contemplating the events of the day, I can't help feeling that maybe DH and I have found where we belong.


Watch this space!
Cece
xxx

Making Progress

I can't believe that we are almost at the end of the second month of 2012!  Time is going so quickly.  I am still on the weight loss journey but starting to see results.  I officially have to buy a smaller jeans size!  I can't believe it!  It has been probably about 12 years since I've had to buy that size!

DH and I will be going on an adoption training course tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to it, but as the day approaches I am realising that I really want to start moving ahead on the path towards having children.  I have been in this limbo position for so long and now I want to start planning the next steps in my life.  However, I know that I can't move ahead until I've tackled this issue of children.  Completing an IVF cycle would be a huge step and then we'd be able to know what we would want to do next!  Once we've progressed through IVF, we can seriously pursue adoption.  I guess ultimately I'm tired of waiting!  However with my recent weight loss, I'm feeling more hopeful!  I feel like I'm starting to take crucial steps - I'm aware that it is likely that there will be more tears ahead but I also know that weeping endures for the night and joy comes in the morning.

Today it feels like for the first time in 4 years of trying to conceive that joy is within reach!

Stay blessed.  Stay focussed and remember that God is on the path with you!

Until next time,
Cece
xxx