To DH

Ok, so I'm on a roll and thought I'd write this post now.  I've been intending to write it for months but haven't got round to it.  Recently a friend reminded me that in the midst of everything, it's important to be thankful.  So I am going to use to forum to say thank you ......

To the one who has supported and loved me from the moment we met
To the one who has helped me to believe in my ability to achieve and my self worth
To the one who has walked along with me in what have been dark and difficult times
To the one who has told me that I'm beautiful even when I've been sick and looked REALLY rough!
To the one who has promised to stay with me even if  I am never able to provide the child that he craves
To my dear husband, I say thank you.

There was a time when I believed that God had brought you into my life at the right time to help me through the journey He has been taking me on. 

Now I can say "I know".

The Pressure of Responsibility

I've been trying to write this post for 4 days now and finally feel like I have the words to express what I'm trying to say.
I'm feeling really under a lot of pressure at the moment.  For the first time, I am realising that so much of the success of this process depends on me!  If I don't lose the weight, we can't do the IVF cycle.  If I take too long to lose the weight, I reduce our chances as my eggs will be getting older!  For the first time, I'm feeling very alone.  DH has been great but there is only so much he can do.  No matter what he says - when it comes to this stage, it's all on me.

That's a lot to take on - not just the responsibility for myself but also the hopes of others.  This process is so much more difficult than I thought and I haven't even made it to the first injection!

I know that I can do it but in the midst of all of this - I feel like I'm losing the joy of what I have achieved.  I have lost weight but I just don't have time to stop and celebrate that.

To be honest, I sometimes feel like giving up.  All this for something that I'm not even sure will work.  I find myself asking why don't we skip this part and head straight for adoption?  I know that there are many couples who have this decision and I understand why.  At the moment, my sole reason for carrying on is that I think I would regret it if I hadn't even tried.

I feel so tired.  This tiredness is not just due to the fact that it's the end of a busy school year but it's a tiredness caused by the constant battle.  I've been fighting since October to stay positive, focus on losing the weight and remain hopeful but it feels like my strength is going.

Pray for me.
Cece
xxx

Delayed but not denied!

I had my appointment at the end of the month and was told I needed to lose another 11 pounds before I can go ahead with the cycle.  I was a little disappointed but not devastated as my prayer throughout all of this whole process has been for God's will to be done.  I guess it wasn't time yet!

In the meantime, I've been focussing on getting on with life.  It has become increasingly important for me to ensure that I am living life to the fullest!  In our waiting we must ensure that we carry on living.

Stay blessed!
Cece
xxx

I've turned a corner!

With about 2 weeks until our treatment consultation, I have turned a key corner in this journey.  Last weekend, I went on a women's retreat with my church.  It was just what I needed!  I arrived feeling very tearful and overwhelmed and spent most of the first day crying.  Over the weekend, I had time to release my fears and concerns to God and deal with some other key issues in my life.  I left feeling refreshed.  I realised that God had been doing some amazing things in me over the last few years that I hadn't noticed because I was so focussed on this one issue of having children!

The following week was half term for me and it gave me more thinking time.  During that time I decided to write down all of the promises/prophetic words that I had received from God unaware that this was going to bring me to a new place in my journey.  I was amazed to see how much God has already told me about my children.  Yes - you heard correctly - my children!  It's amazing how tough challenges can cause you to forget what God has said.  Now I can wait expectantly as I know that God has spoken into my situation.  I feel at peace and I know that God can and will do it!

So, in two weeks I will be going to my treatment consultation and will be preparing to go ahead with the cycle over the summer.

Before I go, I have a few more points:

1.  Please keep praying for me and others who are on this journey.
2.  For those who know me in real life, for the next few months, please don't raise this issue unless I do.  I just need the time to be "still" as I go through this process.
3.  I will be writing my blog through the process but I'm unsure as to whether I will publish my posts immediately.  Please bear with me - I'm new to this and not sure how the process will affect me.

Finally,  enjoy life!  I had a wonderful conversation with one of my closest friends about the importance of living life to the full!  I have to remind myself sometimes that there is more to life than having children or whatever else we may be waiting for in life.  Let's make sure that in the waiting that we don't miss the present.  We have so much to be grateful for and so much to live for!

Be blessed!
Cece
xxx

In a tailspin!

Hello everyone!
I know that I said I wouldn't be coming back on until the end of June but I really need to write down what is going on with me.
Booking my treatment consultation appointment has sent me into to what can only be described as a complete tailspin!  I don't really know where to start - my first response to booking the appointment was butterflies.  I felt excited about the possibilities that lay ahead.  However, this excitement has now changed to fear, anxiety and stress.  Everyone around me keeps telling me to just relax but it is so hard. So I'm hoping that coming on here and venting will help me.
The whole process is daunting and so overwhelming!  I can't think of anything that I have found as scary as this in my whole life.  So why am I afraid?  I think it's the complete lack of control that I feel.  I am embarking on a process which seems to be so open to "chance". It feels like I am stepping into the unknown - I'm not sure how this whole thing will affect me.  I'm shocked that I've been shaken just by booking the appointment.
This process could change my life forever or leave me feeling bitterly disappointed.  I am already know that I will not allow this to break me if it doesn't provide the outcome I want, but how bad will it be?  I have read on so many forums and watched videos of women who are devastated.  The IVF process is a perfect application of the scripture, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick".  So what do I do?  Do I allow myself to hope?  Of course, I know that I need to be positive, but my fear is that the more I hope, the more it will hurt if it fails.
I seem to have returned to being an emotional wreck.  I find myself tearing up during work, having silly disagreements with DH and just generally feeling vulnerable.
This journey is not easy.  Each stage seems to throw up a new set of challenges and emotions to face.  Part of me wants to just get started while the rest of me worries about what lies ahead.  I wish I had more words to explain how this feels.
Please pray for us and all the other couples embarking on this journey over the next few months. 
Cece
xxx

Butterflies

I know that I said that I would not be writing for a while but just wanted to pass by to let you know that I booked my treatment appointment today. It is beginning to become a reality and for the first time I had butterflies. I feel excited and nervous at the same time. Excited - as it could mean that I could become pregnant this summer and nervous - because it's not possible to predict the outcome.
Just wanted to let you all know that the ball is still rolling and we're heading for the next step. Keep us in your prayers!
Cece
xxx

Taking a Break

Over the last week, God has been talking to me about how I handle this journey.  I feel so refreshed having embraced the journey and expecting God to work through me and work it out.  But it has been impressed on my heart and confirmed by a friend that I need to be careful about how I define myself in the midst of this journey.

I am not an infertile woman - I am a woman battling infertility.  This may seem to be a simple play on words but the meaning behind them is so significant.  One phrase leaves me sentenced to the outcome of whatever "infertility" decides to hand out.  The other separates my identity from infertility.  Infertility will always have played a major role in helping me to become who I am but it is not a definition of who I am.  I know that some of you reading this may not understand, and that's OK.  You may feel that I am being ridiculous by "denying" that I have been diagnosed with infertility.  I am fully aware of what the doctor's report says, and I am not attempting to deny it.  However I am also fully aware of the God that I serve.  He is able and nothing is impossible with Him.  When He sees me, He does not see an infertile woman but a woman who is fruitful.  How do I know this?  Because I haven't heard any such report from God.  The day God tells me that it is not part of  His plan for me to fall pregnant and have children, is the day that I will stop expecting it to happen.  In the meantime I must ensure that my stance is one of expectation.

I am going to taking a break from writing my blog for a little while.  I will be returning and completing my journey but for the next couple of months, my focus will be on losing weight and getting ready for the upcoming IVF cycle.  I have thought about it carefully and discussed it with DH and I will be blogging during the cycle.  I believe that it will be a helpful process for those who want to understand what it's like.

In the next two months, I just want to focus on getting ready physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for what may lie ahead.  I want to ensure that DH and I are well prepared for the challenge as I know that many have said that the whole process can be very taxing on relationships.  So I ask that all of you out there who have been reading my blog continue to pray for us as we prepare for the next step.  Even though I may not be online I will still be praying for the people out there trying to conceive.

So you are unlikely to hear from me again until towards the end of June, unless of course, God decides to bless us with a pregnancy before that!

Stay blessed and keep believing, because He is able!
Cece
xxx