Pain with a Purpose

The desire to share my heart is getting so much stronger.  The pain that I am currently experiencing is so intense but I want it to serve a purpose.  If I could change things, I would not be going through this battle but I know that God can use for His glory.
I want people to have a better understanding of what it is like to suffer with infertility.  To be honest, no-one can fully understand unless they have experienced it themselves but I do believe that we can become more knowledgable of other people's plight and hence be able to support them better.
Infertility is not just about having a desire to be a mum.  If that was the case then adopting a child would solve the whole problem.  So why is it that women still mourn even after adoption?  Why is it that women will put their life on hold for years in the quest to get a successful IVF cycle?  I've heard some people say that the women should just get over it, accept their lot and move on with life.  Isn't it interesting how people can dismiss infertility so easily?!  I know that they don't mean to do it but some comments made to people struggling to have children can belittle the intensity of your struggle.  No-one tells a single woman to just accept that she is never going to get married!  I know I sound angry but in reality I want people to know how some of things that are said can do some much damage!
Infertility makes you feel like you are not a complete woman.  You can despise the parts of you that will not work and envy those who have what you want.  It can open the door of bitterness into your life and make you feel things that you didn't think were possible.  You grieve the loss of something you never had and you are embarrassed about sharing your struggle with others.  You feel angry when well-wishers tell you to have more faith, keep praying, not to give up or check your life for sin and repent (because this must be God's punishment!).  Some people tell you how lucky you are not to have the burden of children and ask the question, "Do you really want to bring a new life into this terrible world?" - all the more painful when spoken from the lips of someone who has already had their womb filled!  Infertility can make you avoid the baby section in a store because you don't know if you'll make it through without being reduced to tears.  You see mothers and babies everywhere and every announcement of a new pregnancy brings a mixture of joy and pain.
Infertility can turn hope into torture.  As a Christian you are encouraged to keep believing that it will happen but sometimes it feels like losing hope would be less painful.  You see when you have hope, you wait expectantly each month for signs, and weep when it becomes clear that it hasn't happened.  When you don't expect anything you don't feel that disappointment!
So why have I written this post?  I vowed when I started this blog that I would be honest.  So here is my heart on paper (well on the screen!) .
I am still trying to work out when to place my heart in the midst of hope, faith and just giving up to stop the pain, but one thing I am sure of is that God has a purpose for this.  As I progress through this journey, it is becoming apparent to me that this walk is less about having children but more about my walk with God.  Do I trust Him?  Will I continue to walk with Him even if my greatest heart desire is never met?  Can I find purpose in life without children?  Can I be content with just God and me?
Be blessed ladies and be encouraged!
Cece
xx

The Last Month

So it has been a while since my last post and a lot has happened. About 2 weeks ago, we had our first consultation for IVF and it was generally a good experience.  They checked us both out and told us that the summer would be a good time for us to go ahead with our first cycle. I still have to lose more weight but not as much as I originally thought - which is encouraging.  Recently I've been stuck at a particular weight but I'm trying to push past it (pulling out all the stops!).  We will be having a modified natural cycle.  What does that mean?  Well, in a traditional IVF cycle, the woman is given several injections over 5-7 days to produce as many eggs as possible in a month.  This could be as many as 20 eggs.  These eggs are collected and then mixed with the man's sperm.  The next day they check to see how many have been fertilised and then wait to pick the best two to put back in.  The rest are frozen if they are good enough and you choose that option or discarded.  As a Christian couple, we had to really think about the ethical side of this process.  We believe that life begins when the sperm meets the egg and so we would not feel happy to produce more embyros than we could put back in.  So we discussed our beliefs with the doctor and she recommended a natural cycle.  This process involves producing less eggs and we have asked for only 2 eggs to be fertilised and put back in.  This would reduce our chances of success but we believe that we have to carry out this process in a way that we feel honours God.  I am not condemning anyone who has carried out the traditional method and is a Christian but we have to go with what we feel is right before God.  After the meeting I felt hopeful and positive.  The doctor confirmed that I was definitely ovulating and told us that we should keep trying (just in case!).
A week later, we went to an adoption meeting and it just confirmed that it is something that we want to do.  However, as I listened to the adopter I realised that adoption is not a solution for infertility.  Adoption is ministry - it cannot be used to dampen a longing for becoming a mother.
It was the encouragement from the doctor to keep trying that ultimately scuppered me and led me to the next stage in my journey.  Over the last two weeks I started to experience some symptoms that seemed to hint the possibility of pregnancy.  It was something I had not experienced before but on Saturday, my period came.  I sat on the toilet and cried.  When I say cry, I don't mean a gentle weeping but instead deep hearted sobbing.  DH was lost and just didn't know what to do.  Later that day, we went to Ashburnham Place to stay over night and talk to God about the situation.
DH and I had previously decided to go to Ashburnham to pray about this issue but as I had spent the morning sobbing, the stay became even more important.  I needed to hear something from God as I just couldn't continue in what I can only describe as perputal torture.  It is torture to wish and hope each month and have that hope destroyed each month.  I wanted to God to tell me what was going on .  If I am never going to fall pregnant, I wanted God to tell me so that I could weep and mourn and then get on with my life.  During the stay, God led me to Jeremiah 29.  In this chapter,  God is speaking to the people of Israel who are being held in Babylon.  He tells them to basically get on with life and then tells them that at the appointed time He will return to keep His promise and return them home.  I felt that God was encouraging me to move out of the suspended state of waiting that I have been in for the last 3 years - not booking a holiday, not buying a car, not starting a course because I might get pregnant or need the money to do IVF.  God was telling me to continue my life knowing that He would come through at the appropriate time.
That evening, I bought a book by Shannon Woodward called "Inconceivable".  Shannon struggled with inferitility for 18 years.  I read her book in under 12 hours.  It was so refreshing to read about someone who has been through it - it was as if she had been there in my mind when I was asking all my questions.  It made me feel normal - it helped me to realise that my response has been normal.  More importantly the book raised a fresh challenge.  Shannon didn't have the option of IVF due to financial restraints.  After 2 failed adoptions, she adopted a baby boy but she explains that this didn't "heal" her infertility.  She still felt like a failed woman - a woman who had to get someone else's child because she couldn't have her own.  This statement further supported the fact that adoption does not solve the problem of infertility.  She still needed healing.  She pursued a further 13 adoptions which all failed and then God took her to a place.  She had to let go of this desire to have children.  She realised that her desire for children was much greater than her desire for God.  One night, she handed it all over to God and told God that if she never had another child, she would be content.  A little while later, she adopted a little girl (all orchestrated by God not her!)  She never gave birth to natural children but she is content with her adopted children and began to see the purpose in her infertility.  Her infertility meant that she adopted children and saved them from what could have been a dire start to life.  That day I asked God to help me to reach that point.
I remember when I was waiting to get married that I reached a point where I told God that I would rather stay single than marry the wrong person or at the wrong time.  It was a great relief as I genuinely handed over to God, what was at the time, my greatest desire.  Now my prayer is to reach that point with my desire to have children.  I know that it is this process that will bring the peace that I need.

An Honest Account

I've been in two minds about my blog.  I was worried that I seemed to be constantly complaining about my life and I wasn't sure if I should even post this blog.  BUT then I remembered that the whole point of this blog is to provide an honest account of how it feels to walk on this challenging path.  It's important for me to be real otherwise this whole process is pointless.  Over the last few days, I've had some very frank conversations with people about how I feel about this situation.  Some of them have understood and others in their desire to provide support have said some of the very things that I don't want to hear right now.  But I'm not angry with them - I know that they all love me and are doing their best to support me in this. However it has caused me to think about how I could help those supporting their loved ones who are battling with infertility to get a greater understanding of what it is like.

Some of you may be aware that I love music and I recently came across two songs on you tube that really give an insight into what it can be like on this path.  The first one gives a glimpse of the determination needed for this walk. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_5oEpVHVP4&feature=fvst)  In fact this song could be used to encourage anyone in their walk through difficult times.  The second song is much more literal and speaks of the yearning for a child, and although I don't fully agree with the title of the song " I would die for that", it does express exactly how I feel at the moment! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ)

So why am I writing this down?  This blog is therapeutic for me.  It's a place to express my deepest thoughts and feelings.  However, I also want it to be a blog that serves others through encouragement or providing greater insight.

Be blessed!
Cece
xxx

The Car

Well I had bit of a meltdown over the weekend and it was all over a car (well kind of!). I have been waiting to buy a new car for the last 2 years and on Saturday DH and I almost bought one. We reserved it and were supposed to collect it yesterday but as we sat on bus heading to the dealership we both got the sense that it would be a mistake to buy it. Even though I knew it was the right decision I felt frustrated. I realized that my frustration was not actually about the car but the whole situation. I descended into a spiral of frustration and anger. The injustice of it all! Why do we have to go through this?! Why do we even have to consider each financial decision as a decision between that and having a baby? I wasn't depressed or broken - I just vocalised what I've been feeling since October. I've felt that in the midst of all of this, that it wouldn't be right to express how I really feel about it! But now I realise that it's ok for me to sometimes let it all out. It doesn't mean that I've lost my faith nor does it mean that I've given up - I'm just being real! It was an amazing relief as I finally felt like I could be real. DH was great! Also it gave me the shaking that I needed to start fighting again! I will be a mum and I'm not going to give up. This battle and these tears will not be in vain! I know that God will bring something good out of this.
So I called three clinics today to get quotes - it's time to step out in faith and prepare to see the amazing things that God is going to do.
Be encouraged ladies!
Cece
xxx

Those Special People

Hey guys!

The last few days have been rather rough and I've been very conscious of how much complaining I've been doing.  Today I found myself telling God that I needed something to happen!  Frustration is not sufficient to express how I've been feeling recently.  I feel like I've been treading water and my legs have finally just got too tired to keep me above the water.

But then, God sends those special people..... people who call you to give you crucial words of encouragement which they don't even realise have given you the strength to carry on for another day.  Those people who share their wisdom to help you make the decision to take the next step.

I just want to thank every person who has posted on my blog, emailed me or called me.  You have truly been a blessing during this tough time.

You have helped so much!
Cece
xxx

Tough day

Hi all,
Just a quick note. Blogging from my mobile for the first time!
Feeling quite sad today - probably due to reading too many IVF posts on an infertility network. One lady shared how difficult it was for her to attend a baby shower she had planned for a best friend - it all ended in tears!
This journey is not easy at all! I wish I could put into words how low you can feel at times. I actually YEARN to be a mum and often wonder why it has to be so hard! To date this probably the greatest challenge I've faced. The greatest difficulty is knowing how you are supposed to respond to all of this as a Christian. I know that I should have faith and trust that God will do it - and I do BUT that doesn't take away the pain.
Well logging out for now. Keep praying for me and the other "Hannahs" out there.
Stay blessed,
Cece

He will perfect ALL that concerns me (Psalm138:8)

Hello everyone!

Today DH and I made a major purchase.  As we sat down to sign the paperwork, I wondered "Am I choosing this object over our baby?"  What we bought is actually a genuine need for our family and a step towards preparing for the children we hope to have.  And yet, the commitment of finances seemed so overwhelming!  Each purchase (no matter how sensible) seems to be money taken away from our IVF project.  As we left the store, I thought about our purchase and how it would support us in our goal of being parents and it's then that I realised that I would be content to become a parent via any route (including adoption).

Adoption is something that DH and I have discussed in detail and are committed to doing regardless of whether we give birth to natural children or not.  It may have been due to some recent conversations I've had with mothers who have adopted and listened to their sense of contentment and deep love for their children.  But today I had to ask myself the question, "Would you be content with adopted children?"  and was surprised to hear my answer was "yes".  So what does this mean?  To be honest, I'm not sure.  Am I saying that I no longer want to pursue the IVF route?  No, but I am saying that if it isn't successful that I wouldn't be devastated if we were only blessed with children via adoption.

Now I can hear some of you shouting "Where's your faith?  What do you mean if it doesn't happen? Don't you know that God can do it?"  Of course, I know that He can do anything - He's God!!!  But I am aware that I don't know HOW He is going to make me the mummy I want to be.

Ten years ago, God used someone to tell that I would face a battle in my womb but that God would raise up on that day and that I would know that He is my Lord, my God.  This is the word that keeps me going in the dark times but I am so aware that we prophesy in part and know in part.  This word assures me that I will be a mummy but how it will come about, I don't know!

I guess all I'm saying is that I'm preparing to receive whatever God has for me in whatever format He chooses.

So why have I chosen the title for this post?  This scripture has carried me through my long distance courtship with my husband and the stress of waiting for a visa for us so that we could be together in the same country.  It reminds me that God is working it all out for me.  So as I sit here typing this blog wondering where the money will come from for IVF, wondering if IVF is how God will do, wondering if my thoughts are in line with God's thoughts on this matter or not - one thing that I can know in the midst of all these questions is that He WILL perfect ALL that concerns me!

Now I don't know how many of you are out there reading this, but I would really appreciate you commenting on my blog and sharing your views on what I have been sharing.  It is my desire that this blog encourages those walking on the same path as me and enlighten those who are cheering us along.

Have a blessed day!
Cece