Pain with a Purpose

The desire to share my heart is getting so much stronger.  The pain that I am currently experiencing is so intense but I want it to serve a purpose.  If I could change things, I would not be going through this battle but I know that God can use for His glory.
I want people to have a better understanding of what it is like to suffer with infertility.  To be honest, no-one can fully understand unless they have experienced it themselves but I do believe that we can become more knowledgable of other people's plight and hence be able to support them better.
Infertility is not just about having a desire to be a mum.  If that was the case then adopting a child would solve the whole problem.  So why is it that women still mourn even after adoption?  Why is it that women will put their life on hold for years in the quest to get a successful IVF cycle?  I've heard some people say that the women should just get over it, accept their lot and move on with life.  Isn't it interesting how people can dismiss infertility so easily?!  I know that they don't mean to do it but some comments made to people struggling to have children can belittle the intensity of your struggle.  No-one tells a single woman to just accept that she is never going to get married!  I know I sound angry but in reality I want people to know how some of things that are said can do some much damage!
Infertility makes you feel like you are not a complete woman.  You can despise the parts of you that will not work and envy those who have what you want.  It can open the door of bitterness into your life and make you feel things that you didn't think were possible.  You grieve the loss of something you never had and you are embarrassed about sharing your struggle with others.  You feel angry when well-wishers tell you to have more faith, keep praying, not to give up or check your life for sin and repent (because this must be God's punishment!).  Some people tell you how lucky you are not to have the burden of children and ask the question, "Do you really want to bring a new life into this terrible world?" - all the more painful when spoken from the lips of someone who has already had their womb filled!  Infertility can make you avoid the baby section in a store because you don't know if you'll make it through without being reduced to tears.  You see mothers and babies everywhere and every announcement of a new pregnancy brings a mixture of joy and pain.
Infertility can turn hope into torture.  As a Christian you are encouraged to keep believing that it will happen but sometimes it feels like losing hope would be less painful.  You see when you have hope, you wait expectantly each month for signs, and weep when it becomes clear that it hasn't happened.  When you don't expect anything you don't feel that disappointment!
So why have I written this post?  I vowed when I started this blog that I would be honest.  So here is my heart on paper (well on the screen!) .
I am still trying to work out when to place my heart in the midst of hope, faith and just giving up to stop the pain, but one thing I am sure of is that God has a purpose for this.  As I progress through this journey, it is becoming apparent to me that this walk is less about having children but more about my walk with God.  Do I trust Him?  Will I continue to walk with Him even if my greatest heart desire is never met?  Can I find purpose in life without children?  Can I be content with just God and me?
Be blessed ladies and be encouraged!
Cece
xx

The Last Month

So it has been a while since my last post and a lot has happened. About 2 weeks ago, we had our first consultation for IVF and it was generally a good experience.  They checked us both out and told us that the summer would be a good time for us to go ahead with our first cycle. I still have to lose more weight but not as much as I originally thought - which is encouraging.  Recently I've been stuck at a particular weight but I'm trying to push past it (pulling out all the stops!).  We will be having a modified natural cycle.  What does that mean?  Well, in a traditional IVF cycle, the woman is given several injections over 5-7 days to produce as many eggs as possible in a month.  This could be as many as 20 eggs.  These eggs are collected and then mixed with the man's sperm.  The next day they check to see how many have been fertilised and then wait to pick the best two to put back in.  The rest are frozen if they are good enough and you choose that option or discarded.  As a Christian couple, we had to really think about the ethical side of this process.  We believe that life begins when the sperm meets the egg and so we would not feel happy to produce more embyros than we could put back in.  So we discussed our beliefs with the doctor and she recommended a natural cycle.  This process involves producing less eggs and we have asked for only 2 eggs to be fertilised and put back in.  This would reduce our chances of success but we believe that we have to carry out this process in a way that we feel honours God.  I am not condemning anyone who has carried out the traditional method and is a Christian but we have to go with what we feel is right before God.  After the meeting I felt hopeful and positive.  The doctor confirmed that I was definitely ovulating and told us that we should keep trying (just in case!).
A week later, we went to an adoption meeting and it just confirmed that it is something that we want to do.  However, as I listened to the adopter I realised that adoption is not a solution for infertility.  Adoption is ministry - it cannot be used to dampen a longing for becoming a mother.
It was the encouragement from the doctor to keep trying that ultimately scuppered me and led me to the next stage in my journey.  Over the last two weeks I started to experience some symptoms that seemed to hint the possibility of pregnancy.  It was something I had not experienced before but on Saturday, my period came.  I sat on the toilet and cried.  When I say cry, I don't mean a gentle weeping but instead deep hearted sobbing.  DH was lost and just didn't know what to do.  Later that day, we went to Ashburnham Place to stay over night and talk to God about the situation.
DH and I had previously decided to go to Ashburnham to pray about this issue but as I had spent the morning sobbing, the stay became even more important.  I needed to hear something from God as I just couldn't continue in what I can only describe as perputal torture.  It is torture to wish and hope each month and have that hope destroyed each month.  I wanted to God to tell me what was going on .  If I am never going to fall pregnant, I wanted God to tell me so that I could weep and mourn and then get on with my life.  During the stay, God led me to Jeremiah 29.  In this chapter,  God is speaking to the people of Israel who are being held in Babylon.  He tells them to basically get on with life and then tells them that at the appointed time He will return to keep His promise and return them home.  I felt that God was encouraging me to move out of the suspended state of waiting that I have been in for the last 3 years - not booking a holiday, not buying a car, not starting a course because I might get pregnant or need the money to do IVF.  God was telling me to continue my life knowing that He would come through at the appropriate time.
That evening, I bought a book by Shannon Woodward called "Inconceivable".  Shannon struggled with inferitility for 18 years.  I read her book in under 12 hours.  It was so refreshing to read about someone who has been through it - it was as if she had been there in my mind when I was asking all my questions.  It made me feel normal - it helped me to realise that my response has been normal.  More importantly the book raised a fresh challenge.  Shannon didn't have the option of IVF due to financial restraints.  After 2 failed adoptions, she adopted a baby boy but she explains that this didn't "heal" her infertility.  She still felt like a failed woman - a woman who had to get someone else's child because she couldn't have her own.  This statement further supported the fact that adoption does not solve the problem of infertility.  She still needed healing.  She pursued a further 13 adoptions which all failed and then God took her to a place.  She had to let go of this desire to have children.  She realised that her desire for children was much greater than her desire for God.  One night, she handed it all over to God and told God that if she never had another child, she would be content.  A little while later, she adopted a little girl (all orchestrated by God not her!)  She never gave birth to natural children but she is content with her adopted children and began to see the purpose in her infertility.  Her infertility meant that she adopted children and saved them from what could have been a dire start to life.  That day I asked God to help me to reach that point.
I remember when I was waiting to get married that I reached a point where I told God that I would rather stay single than marry the wrong person or at the wrong time.  It was a great relief as I genuinely handed over to God, what was at the time, my greatest desire.  Now my prayer is to reach that point with my desire to have children.  I know that it is this process that will bring the peace that I need.