Each day, it begins to feel more real and I am slowly beginning to actually believe that it's going to happen! I have started to buy things with more conviction and I do get a little overwhelmed when another baby related item arrives.
Term finished this week and the last few days have given me space to really think about how much my life is about to change. I guess this must be how pregnant women feel as they approach the end of their pregnancy. I constantly feel a mixture of emotions - sheer joy and delight that I can finally walk through the baby section and look at things to buy without wanting to sob with grief! On the other hand, there is that nerve wrecking knowledge that you haven't quite made it! In my conversations with the SW, I quite easily forget that there is still the panel to get through as she talks with such assurance and conviction that this is a done deal! However, it isn't real until we manage to convince panel that we are the right people for this baby. Panel will be taking place around mid January with introductions scheduled to take place during the last week of January.
I have waited so long for this moment. The past few years have been so hard but I have learnt so much about God and myself.
1. I have learnt that God is able to use the things that you thought would break you to make you stronger and infuse more of His character in you.
2. I have learnt that God can use these circumstances to help you to see not only your weaknesses but also your strengths. One of the key things I had to face was would I love God even if I never got what I wanted? At the start I wasn't sure that I could say "yes" but this journey has taught me that my love for God is deeper than I previously realised or appreciated. It is easy to say what you would do in certain circumstances but it isn't until you are there that you really find out what is in you. Over this journey, I have seen some pretty awful things in me that God has so lovingly refined and continues to deal with. At the same time, I have discovered strengths that I never knew I had!
Many people may ask why do I believe in God? Why do I put my trust in Jesus Christ? My answer is simply this - in all that I have been through and all that I have has experienced, He has NEVER failed me. He may not deal with my issues in the way that I feel at the time is the right way, but His way has always been better! If I had the choice to face the pain of infertility and the challenges of adoption with or without God, I would always choose to do it with Him. The pain and challenges remain, but the difference is that I can be sure that in the midst of the suffering that my God will perfect ALL that concerns me!
The reflective nature of this post may sound like I'm bringing this blog to a close, but that is not the case. I am always extra reflective at this time of year. I will keep writing. I will do my best to document what it is like to go through the final stages of the adoption process, how it feels to meet our child for the first time and the challenges of adjusting to my new role as a mother. (Wow! Writing the last part of that sentence just made me want to cry! To think that there was a time when I thought that I would never be able to say those words!)
I know that there is much more for me to write over the next year. God has made it very clear that this child is just the first chapter of my life as a mother and I intend to read the book to the end!
I am unlikely to write another post before Christmas, so I will take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a blessed new year. I encourage you all to take time to reflect on what God has done over this year - there is much to be thankful for. Even if it's been a tough year, thank God that you are still here to see Him turn it around for your benefit!
Stay blessed and keep smiling,
Cece
xx
