I hope that you are well and continuing to pursue your dreams and passions. I have not been on here for a long time and that's simply because I wasn't sure that I had much to say. So it has been several months now and to be honest - not much has changed. I am frustrated, angry and verging on despondency. It is so hard to express what has been going on. I have officially hit a brick wall - this issue has truly taken me to my limit. I have tried all that I know and now realise that I can't keep repeating the same steps if I want to see a change, so I now have to take some steps that I've avoided for a long time.
The infertility issue has brought out so much more than I thought. I thought that the early stages were painful but now I'm seeing that God is going to use this issue to cause me to tackle some things that I've buried for a long time. These issues need to tackled if I want to be able to move on in my life but I know that it's going to be a painful process. It's amazing how God can use one issue to touch the depths that He wants to deal with. Earlier in this blog, I mentioned that I felt that this issue could be the making of me and I still believe that - I just didn't realise that it would go so deep and hurt so much.
Ok, I know that what I've said doesn't make much sense but that's pretty much how my brain is working at the moment. I know that it will become clearer with time and have even already prepared a separate blog for when clarity comes. It's a new blog because this has become so much bigger than the issue of infertility. I've come on here to ask you all to keep praying for me.
It's been over a year since the doctor broke the devastating news to me and left me crying in the hospital foyer in shock. It's been a year since I've fought back tears whilst teaching reproduction to my year 7 students. I don't cry so much now (although some would argue that's part of the problem) but now I am fighting bitterness and complacency. Pray that God will help me through what is increasingly become a dark and difficult place to be.
My one hope is God - I know who He is and what He can do. I guess my question is simply, "Will He do it for me?"
Take care,
Cece
xxx
