Waiting

Hi everyone

I had intended to write some posts after the last two sessions of our adoption training but I had returned to work and as usual I got sucked back into the busyness of life!  We completed the training and submitted our application form for adoption on the last day of training.  We decided that we wanted to move ahead with adoption and we are now waiting for a social worker to be allocated to us for the assessment process to begin.

The whole assessment process should take about 8 months from the date we submitted our application form.  We submitted it on 1 March so we should be aiming to complete the process by the end of this year.  It is rather exciting and it feels good to know that we are moving ahead towards parenthood finally.

In the meantime, I am continuing with my goal of losing weight.  It is going well - although the scales have yet to display significant difference - the fit of my clothes is definitely changing for the better!

But to be honest, my reason for writing today isn't really linked to any of these points.  Today started off well but has gradually changed into a not so good day.  I'm not so sure why but I have found myself gradually descending into a minor pity party.  I can't quite put my finger on it but I am feeling a little vulnerable today.

In some ways, it is rather annoying that these days happen, because for the rest of the time I feel like I'm coping.  Then a day comes along like this and you realise that if you take a few minutes to be still you'll discover the emotions are just bubbling away under the surface waiting to come flooding out.

I hate feeling sorry for myself!  And sometimes, I just don't understand what my problem is!  I think today I'm feeling like I'm waiting.

In life, we spend a lot of time waiting - waiting for the kids to come, waiting for the right job to come along, waiting for the kids to grow up and leave, waiting for the right time to start a new project.  I guess I'm tired of waiting.  Now I know I should be so excited about the upcoming adoption process and I am, but I can't help feeling like it's another period of suspended animation as I wait for the next stage.  I guess my frustration comes from the fact that I have been waiting for almost 4 years now and feel that little progress has been made in that time.

The problem with waiting the way that I have over the last few years is that you don't really manage to achieve anything.  You are so consumed by the goal, that you dare not try or start anything just in case the thing you've been waiting for finally arrives!  But what do you do when you've waited and waited and waited and nothing has come?  You can't help looking back and wondering whether you've been wasting your time.  DH says that I'm being too hard on myself and that I needed that time to work through the pain and grief.  I see his point but at the same time as we now start the journey towards adoption - I can't help thinking of all the things that I had wanted to do but put off because I MIGHT get pregnant!  Now I can't do those things because I'm starting the adoption process!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe the last 4 years of my life could have been spent better.  Maybe I could have focussed on doing the other things I want in life instead of obsessing over something that wasn't going to happen anyway!

Maybe I am being too harsh on myself - maybe not!  In the meantime, I'm feeling rather crappy today.  I feel like I need a change but I'm realising that the only change I really want is to become a mummy.  I've thought about a change in job, a change in location, but ultimately there is only one thing that I really want - a child.  The problem is - once again, I''m going to have to wait!

Until next time,
Cece