The end of 2011

Well, another year has come to an end!  This year has been tough in many ways but so enlightening in other ways.  I went away for a few days to relax and think about what I wanted to see in 2012.  Over the last few months, God has really been helping me to look at what I want in life in general. 

Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a friend, who died a few weeks ago at the age of 32.  The funeral was, by far, the best funeral I have ever been to.  A strange statement I know but as I sat in the service, I couldn't help thinking that this young lady had lived so much in the short life she had.  She had clearly outlined what she wanted at her funeral and so the service reflected her so well!

I wanted to write this post to summarise all that God has been saying to me recently.  These points were so beautifully summed up in the funeral yesterday that I had to write it down:

1.  Do what you are passionate about - when a person follows their passion, their life tends to have so much more meaning and purpose.

2.  Do it now! - we always assume that we have all the time in the world but in reality we don't know when we will be called home.  Make sure that you use your time on Earth doing what you're supposed to do!

3.  There is more to life than having babies! - my friend never married and never had children but managed to live with such purpose and joy!  I still want to have children but I must say that the recent events have reminded me that I can't afford to focus on this one area of my life and stop enjoying all the richness that is available in this world.

So these are my closing thoughts for 2011.  Live life to the fullest!  Even if the things you want have not happened this year, God is still good and then is still much to look forward to!

Thank you to all of you who have been reading my blog over the last year.  You have truly been through a rollercoaster journey with me and I look forward to seeing you all in 2012.

God bless and Happy New Year!

In the Wilderness

Hello everyone!

I hope that you are well and continuing to pursue your dreams and passions.  I have not been on here for a long time and that's simply because I wasn't sure that I had much to say.  So it has been several months now and to be honest - not much has changed.  I am frustrated, angry and verging on despondency.  It is so hard to express what has been going on.  I have officially hit a brick wall - this issue has truly taken me to my limit.  I have tried all that I know and now realise that I can't keep repeating the same steps if I want to see a change, so I now have to take some steps that I've avoided for a long time.

The infertility issue has brought out so much more than I thought.  I thought that the early stages were painful but now I'm seeing that God is going to use this issue to cause me to tackle some things that I've buried for a long time. These issues need to tackled if I want to be able to move on in my life but I know that it's going to be a painful process.  It's amazing how God can use one issue to touch the depths that He wants to deal with.  Earlier in this blog, I mentioned that I felt that this issue could be the making of me and I still believe that - I just didn't realise that it would go so deep and hurt so much.

Ok, I know that what I've said doesn't make much sense but that's pretty much how my brain is working at the moment.  I know that it will become clearer with time and have even already prepared a separate blog for when clarity comes.  It's a new blog because this has become so much bigger than the issue of infertility.  I've come on here to ask you all to keep praying for me.

It's been over a year since the doctor broke the devastating news to me and left me crying in the hospital foyer in shock.  It's been a year since I've fought back tears whilst teaching reproduction to my year 7 students.  I don't cry so much now (although some would argue that's part of the problem) but now I am fighting bitterness and complacency.  Pray that God will help me through what is increasingly become a dark and difficult place to be. 

My one hope is God - I know who He is and what He can do.  I guess my question is simply, "Will He do it for me?"

Take care,
Cece
xxx

Learning To Stand

I hope that you all have been having a wonderful summer.  My summer has been full and productive although my main goal of completing an IVF cycle has not happened and I will returning to work in 2 weeks.  I am disappointed but I feel like I have arrived at another stage in this journey.

I have wept bitter tears, questioned God, envied others, seen the benefits of my situation and then plunged into deep depression as I faced the difficulties.  I have obsessed over losing weight until I became bored of food and dismissed my weight loss, so far, as not enough.  And now I am learning to stand.

This new position has been inspired by a few women in the Bible as well as a scripture in Ephesians.   My first hero is Elizabeth - having reached an old age and now apparently not expecting to have a child anymore, she becomes the mother of John the Baptist.  There is something comforting about seeing a woman who really wasn't expecting it to happen and suddenly God comes along and does it!   I can imagine what it must have been like to spend all those years hoping and watching your "fertile" years pass by.  It is evident from the story that her and her husband had been praying but it seemed as though they had now concluded that maybe it wasn't God's plan after all!  Then an angel comes along and changes everything!

Second hero has to be Hannah!  Re-reading Hannah's story this week really challenged me.  Hannah promised to hand over her child to God if He blessed her with a son.  Let's pause and think about that!  She has been asking for a child for years with bitter tears and now she agrees to hand over the one thing that she wanted so badly!  Surely, part of having children is to enjoy watching them grow up, but to a certain extent Hannah forfeited that!  She was blessed with more children, but what a promise to make when there is no guarantee that you would have another!  Hannah challenges me to let go - to hand over everything to God willingly.

These two women along with Ephesians 6 have helped me to reach the position of standing.  Hannah challenges me to let go completely and Elizabeth encourages me to stand.  In Ephesians 6:13 it says "Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger], and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]."  In essence, having done all that you can, all that's left to do it stand.  Now I know that there is more that I can do - mainly lose weight but aside from that all I can do now is stand and wait.

The weight loss has been tough and I feel so disheartened at times when I let myself down in that area and as I mentioned in my last post, it feels like my success not only affects me but also DH.  Now, I'm simply asking God to help me each day to be disciplined and reach the goal.  But even when the weight loss is conquered, I know that there may well be a lot more standing to do.  I don't know when God is going to do it - it could be next month, or it could be in ten years time.  All I know is that I can decide how I wait.

So my aim over the next month is to assume the standing position.  This is involves trusting that God's got it covered, focussing on serving others by carrying out the ministry I know that God has called me to and waiting for Him to do it.

Stay blessed,
Cece
xxx

To DH

Ok, so I'm on a roll and thought I'd write this post now.  I've been intending to write it for months but haven't got round to it.  Recently a friend reminded me that in the midst of everything, it's important to be thankful.  So I am going to use to forum to say thank you ......

To the one who has supported and loved me from the moment we met
To the one who has helped me to believe in my ability to achieve and my self worth
To the one who has walked along with me in what have been dark and difficult times
To the one who has told me that I'm beautiful even when I've been sick and looked REALLY rough!
To the one who has promised to stay with me even if  I am never able to provide the child that he craves
To my dear husband, I say thank you.

There was a time when I believed that God had brought you into my life at the right time to help me through the journey He has been taking me on. 

Now I can say "I know".

The Pressure of Responsibility

I've been trying to write this post for 4 days now and finally feel like I have the words to express what I'm trying to say.
I'm feeling really under a lot of pressure at the moment.  For the first time, I am realising that so much of the success of this process depends on me!  If I don't lose the weight, we can't do the IVF cycle.  If I take too long to lose the weight, I reduce our chances as my eggs will be getting older!  For the first time, I'm feeling very alone.  DH has been great but there is only so much he can do.  No matter what he says - when it comes to this stage, it's all on me.

That's a lot to take on - not just the responsibility for myself but also the hopes of others.  This process is so much more difficult than I thought and I haven't even made it to the first injection!

I know that I can do it but in the midst of all of this - I feel like I'm losing the joy of what I have achieved.  I have lost weight but I just don't have time to stop and celebrate that.

To be honest, I sometimes feel like giving up.  All this for something that I'm not even sure will work.  I find myself asking why don't we skip this part and head straight for adoption?  I know that there are many couples who have this decision and I understand why.  At the moment, my sole reason for carrying on is that I think I would regret it if I hadn't even tried.

I feel so tired.  This tiredness is not just due to the fact that it's the end of a busy school year but it's a tiredness caused by the constant battle.  I've been fighting since October to stay positive, focus on losing the weight and remain hopeful but it feels like my strength is going.

Pray for me.
Cece
xxx

Delayed but not denied!

I had my appointment at the end of the month and was told I needed to lose another 11 pounds before I can go ahead with the cycle.  I was a little disappointed but not devastated as my prayer throughout all of this whole process has been for God's will to be done.  I guess it wasn't time yet!

In the meantime, I've been focussing on getting on with life.  It has become increasingly important for me to ensure that I am living life to the fullest!  In our waiting we must ensure that we carry on living.

Stay blessed!
Cece
xxx

I've turned a corner!

With about 2 weeks until our treatment consultation, I have turned a key corner in this journey.  Last weekend, I went on a women's retreat with my church.  It was just what I needed!  I arrived feeling very tearful and overwhelmed and spent most of the first day crying.  Over the weekend, I had time to release my fears and concerns to God and deal with some other key issues in my life.  I left feeling refreshed.  I realised that God had been doing some amazing things in me over the last few years that I hadn't noticed because I was so focussed on this one issue of having children!

The following week was half term for me and it gave me more thinking time.  During that time I decided to write down all of the promises/prophetic words that I had received from God unaware that this was going to bring me to a new place in my journey.  I was amazed to see how much God has already told me about my children.  Yes - you heard correctly - my children!  It's amazing how tough challenges can cause you to forget what God has said.  Now I can wait expectantly as I know that God has spoken into my situation.  I feel at peace and I know that God can and will do it!

So, in two weeks I will be going to my treatment consultation and will be preparing to go ahead with the cycle over the summer.

Before I go, I have a few more points:

1.  Please keep praying for me and others who are on this journey.
2.  For those who know me in real life, for the next few months, please don't raise this issue unless I do.  I just need the time to be "still" as I go through this process.
3.  I will be writing my blog through the process but I'm unsure as to whether I will publish my posts immediately.  Please bear with me - I'm new to this and not sure how the process will affect me.

Finally,  enjoy life!  I had a wonderful conversation with one of my closest friends about the importance of living life to the full!  I have to remind myself sometimes that there is more to life than having children or whatever else we may be waiting for in life.  Let's make sure that in the waiting that we don't miss the present.  We have so much to be grateful for and so much to live for!

Be blessed!
Cece
xxx