In a tailspin!

Hello everyone!
I know that I said I wouldn't be coming back on until the end of June but I really need to write down what is going on with me.
Booking my treatment consultation appointment has sent me into to what can only be described as a complete tailspin!  I don't really know where to start - my first response to booking the appointment was butterflies.  I felt excited about the possibilities that lay ahead.  However, this excitement has now changed to fear, anxiety and stress.  Everyone around me keeps telling me to just relax but it is so hard. So I'm hoping that coming on here and venting will help me.
The whole process is daunting and so overwhelming!  I can't think of anything that I have found as scary as this in my whole life.  So why am I afraid?  I think it's the complete lack of control that I feel.  I am embarking on a process which seems to be so open to "chance". It feels like I am stepping into the unknown - I'm not sure how this whole thing will affect me.  I'm shocked that I've been shaken just by booking the appointment.
This process could change my life forever or leave me feeling bitterly disappointed.  I am already know that I will not allow this to break me if it doesn't provide the outcome I want, but how bad will it be?  I have read on so many forums and watched videos of women who are devastated.  The IVF process is a perfect application of the scripture, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick".  So what do I do?  Do I allow myself to hope?  Of course, I know that I need to be positive, but my fear is that the more I hope, the more it will hurt if it fails.
I seem to have returned to being an emotional wreck.  I find myself tearing up during work, having silly disagreements with DH and just generally feeling vulnerable.
This journey is not easy.  Each stage seems to throw up a new set of challenges and emotions to face.  Part of me wants to just get started while the rest of me worries about what lies ahead.  I wish I had more words to explain how this feels.
Please pray for us and all the other couples embarking on this journey over the next few months. 
Cece
xxx

Butterflies

I know that I said that I would not be writing for a while but just wanted to pass by to let you know that I booked my treatment appointment today. It is beginning to become a reality and for the first time I had butterflies. I feel excited and nervous at the same time. Excited - as it could mean that I could become pregnant this summer and nervous - because it's not possible to predict the outcome.
Just wanted to let you all know that the ball is still rolling and we're heading for the next step. Keep us in your prayers!
Cece
xxx

Taking a Break

Over the last week, God has been talking to me about how I handle this journey.  I feel so refreshed having embraced the journey and expecting God to work through me and work it out.  But it has been impressed on my heart and confirmed by a friend that I need to be careful about how I define myself in the midst of this journey.

I am not an infertile woman - I am a woman battling infertility.  This may seem to be a simple play on words but the meaning behind them is so significant.  One phrase leaves me sentenced to the outcome of whatever "infertility" decides to hand out.  The other separates my identity from infertility.  Infertility will always have played a major role in helping me to become who I am but it is not a definition of who I am.  I know that some of you reading this may not understand, and that's OK.  You may feel that I am being ridiculous by "denying" that I have been diagnosed with infertility.  I am fully aware of what the doctor's report says, and I am not attempting to deny it.  However I am also fully aware of the God that I serve.  He is able and nothing is impossible with Him.  When He sees me, He does not see an infertile woman but a woman who is fruitful.  How do I know this?  Because I haven't heard any such report from God.  The day God tells me that it is not part of  His plan for me to fall pregnant and have children, is the day that I will stop expecting it to happen.  In the meantime I must ensure that my stance is one of expectation.

I am going to taking a break from writing my blog for a little while.  I will be returning and completing my journey but for the next couple of months, my focus will be on losing weight and getting ready for the upcoming IVF cycle.  I have thought about it carefully and discussed it with DH and I will be blogging during the cycle.  I believe that it will be a helpful process for those who want to understand what it's like.

In the next two months, I just want to focus on getting ready physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for what may lie ahead.  I want to ensure that DH and I are well prepared for the challenge as I know that many have said that the whole process can be very taxing on relationships.  So I ask that all of you out there who have been reading my blog continue to pray for us as we prepare for the next step.  Even though I may not be online I will still be praying for the people out there trying to conceive.

So you are unlikely to hear from me again until towards the end of June, unless of course, God decides to bless us with a pregnancy before that!

Stay blessed and keep believing, because He is able!
Cece
xxx

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Just wanted to share some of my thoughts before I get back into the school term which usually means less time to write my blog.

Over the Easter holidays, I have been pondering about the many sides of the battle against infertility.  There is the good - I mentioned in my post "The Blessings of Infertility?!".  God has truly done such amazing things in my life throughout this journey.  I continue to be astounded at how God can take such a potentially devastating situation and use it to turn things around in my life!

The bad is probably more obvious.  There are so many aspects of this journey that can cause a huge sense of injustice.  The pain that you experience at times can be so unbearable. The questions that you deliberate over for hours can be overwhelming and exhausting.  We are still trying to work out where the money is going to come from for our first IVF cycle, even though we have our next appointment with the clinic in less than 3 months!

And then there's the ugly.  This is in some ways the most embarrassing part.  I am only sharing this due to my vow of honesty for this blog.  This journey can unearth aspects of your heart that you didn't even realise were there - for me, it has been jealousy and judgement of others. 

In my mind I have a list of people - the list is entitled "Undeserving Mothers".  What an awful list to have in my mind but it is there!  It consists of people that I don't think deserve to be pregnant when I am not.  I have no interest in hearing or seeing them and the announcement of their pregnancies have cut me to the core.  Some of people may be characters who I feel at not "nice people" or people who don't appreciate the gift that pregnancy is (e.g. an unplanned teenage pregnancy).  I know that the Christian response is to smile and be happy for them but for me there are some people that I struggle to do this for.  It is so black and white for me - there are some pregnant women who I have happily walked with in their journey.  I have felt no distress in helping them to prepare for their little arrivals and celebrate the addition to their families. BUT for the others while I wish them no harm, I just don't want to see them or hear about you.  For some reason, these ladies seem to represent the apparent injustice of it all.  Why you and not me?!

BUT who am I to judge who deserves to be a mother or not?!  I know that it's not right and I am asking God to help me to change my stance on this but that's just where I am at the moment.

Lord, help me to change my heart and let it fall in line with Yours.  Amen.