Over the Easter holidays, I have been pondering about the many sides of the battle against infertility. There is the good - I mentioned in my post "The Blessings of Infertility?!". God has truly done such amazing things in my life throughout this journey. I continue to be astounded at how God can take such a potentially devastating situation and use it to turn things around in my life!
The bad is probably more obvious. There are so many aspects of this journey that can cause a huge sense of injustice. The pain that you experience at times can be so unbearable. The questions that you deliberate over for hours can be overwhelming and exhausting. We are still trying to work out where the money is going to come from for our first IVF cycle, even though we have our next appointment with the clinic in less than 3 months!
And then there's the ugly. This is in some ways the most embarrassing part. I am only sharing this due to my vow of honesty for this blog. This journey can unearth aspects of your heart that you didn't even realise were there - for me, it has been jealousy and judgement of others.
In my mind I have a list of people - the list is entitled "Undeserving Mothers". What an awful list to have in my mind but it is there! It consists of people that I don't think deserve to be pregnant when I am not. I have no interest in hearing or seeing them and the announcement of their pregnancies have cut me to the core. Some of people may be characters who I feel at not "nice people" or people who don't appreciate the gift that pregnancy is (e.g. an unplanned teenage pregnancy). I know that the Christian response is to smile and be happy for them but for me there are some people that I struggle to do this for. It is so black and white for me - there are some pregnant women who I have happily walked with in their journey. I have felt no distress in helping them to prepare for their little arrivals and celebrate the addition to their families. BUT for the others while I wish them no harm, I just don't want to see them or hear about you. For some reason, these ladies seem to represent the apparent injustice of it all. Why you and not me?!
BUT who am I to judge who deserves to be a mother or not?! I know that it's not right and I am asking God to help me to change my stance on this but that's just where I am at the moment.
Lord, help me to change my heart and let it fall in line with Yours. Amen.
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