Waiting

Hi everyone

I had intended to write some posts after the last two sessions of our adoption training but I had returned to work and as usual I got sucked back into the busyness of life!  We completed the training and submitted our application form for adoption on the last day of training.  We decided that we wanted to move ahead with adoption and we are now waiting for a social worker to be allocated to us for the assessment process to begin.

The whole assessment process should take about 8 months from the date we submitted our application form.  We submitted it on 1 March so we should be aiming to complete the process by the end of this year.  It is rather exciting and it feels good to know that we are moving ahead towards parenthood finally.

In the meantime, I am continuing with my goal of losing weight.  It is going well - although the scales have yet to display significant difference - the fit of my clothes is definitely changing for the better!

But to be honest, my reason for writing today isn't really linked to any of these points.  Today started off well but has gradually changed into a not so good day.  I'm not so sure why but I have found myself gradually descending into a minor pity party.  I can't quite put my finger on it but I am feeling a little vulnerable today.

In some ways, it is rather annoying that these days happen, because for the rest of the time I feel like I'm coping.  Then a day comes along like this and you realise that if you take a few minutes to be still you'll discover the emotions are just bubbling away under the surface waiting to come flooding out.

I hate feeling sorry for myself!  And sometimes, I just don't understand what my problem is!  I think today I'm feeling like I'm waiting.

In life, we spend a lot of time waiting - waiting for the kids to come, waiting for the right job to come along, waiting for the kids to grow up and leave, waiting for the right time to start a new project.  I guess I'm tired of waiting.  Now I know I should be so excited about the upcoming adoption process and I am, but I can't help feeling like it's another period of suspended animation as I wait for the next stage.  I guess my frustration comes from the fact that I have been waiting for almost 4 years now and feel that little progress has been made in that time.

The problem with waiting the way that I have over the last few years is that you don't really manage to achieve anything.  You are so consumed by the goal, that you dare not try or start anything just in case the thing you've been waiting for finally arrives!  But what do you do when you've waited and waited and waited and nothing has come?  You can't help looking back and wondering whether you've been wasting your time.  DH says that I'm being too hard on myself and that I needed that time to work through the pain and grief.  I see his point but at the same time as we now start the journey towards adoption - I can't help thinking of all the things that I had wanted to do but put off because I MIGHT get pregnant!  Now I can't do those things because I'm starting the adoption process!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe the last 4 years of my life could have been spent better.  Maybe I could have focussed on doing the other things I want in life instead of obsessing over something that wasn't going to happen anyway!

Maybe I am being too harsh on myself - maybe not!  In the meantime, I'm feeling rather crappy today.  I feel like I need a change but I'm realising that the only change I really want is to become a mummy.  I've thought about a change in job, a change in location, but ultimately there is only one thing that I really want - a child.  The problem is - once again, I''m going to have to wait!

Until next time,
Cece

Adoption Training 2

And so the training continues!  Yesterday we completed our second day of training - by the end of the day we realised that this was REAL training.  We learnt so much about how to cater for children who have experienced abuse and neglect, and I certainly began to understand what DH and I would have to offer these children.  I must say that increasingly I am being drawn down the path of adoption - it was always on the cards but now I feel so ready to get started!  I think DH may feel the same!

We will be continuing our training next week for another two days and then we make the final decision as to whether we want to move ahead at this stage.  DH seems to be in the same place as me and I think that a clear path may be forming in front of us!

This journey can involve so many questions and often leaves you standing on the path confused and unsure about the next step.  Please pray that DH and I will continue on the path towards clarity about what God wants for us.  Please also pray for those who are still trying to work what their next step should be.

Take care and God bless,
Cece
xx

Adoption Training 1

So I'm sitting in bed after a very intense day of training in preparation for adoption.  DH and I are really tired and to be honest, I really don't have the energy to write a lot but I do want to document the process we are going through .... here we go! 

Today, the course introduced the process of adoption, the children looking for a permanent home and the impact of adopting children who have suffered abuse or nelgect.  The day was sobering and also exciting.  The harsh reality of what adoption involves has begun to set in.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, adoption is NOT a cure for infertility but rather a ministry.  You are dealing with children who have suffered some terrible things and you are aiming to provide them with the stability they need.

A friend who is currently pregnant mentioned that being a parent is all about sacrifice - she expressed that this is evident even during pregnancy as her body adjusts to cater for the needs of her baby.  Today her comments came back to my mind as I thought about the fact that adoption makes this exact fact very obvious.  The process is not so much about DH and I becoming parents but more about a child finding a safe and secure home where they can thrive and heal from the previous experiences.  That's ministry - and as ever ministry equates to sacrifice!

The course really forced us to examine our ideas about adoption carefully.  If any of the prospective adopters arrived with a picture of a loving child who runs into their arms with delight saying "mummy",  the course today made it very clear that this may not be the case at all.  As an adoptive parent, you are dealing with the mistakes of the others.  Therefore you may find yourself parenting a child who has delayed development or who does and says inappropriate things in front of family and friends.  How do you handle the rejection when your child pushes you away everytime you want to comfort them or give them a hug?  Or displays violent behaviour at a children's party?

On the other hand, the prospect of being able to give a child the stability they need leaves a wonderful warm feeling inside. 

DH and I have space in our home and our hearts to give that to a child (or two!).  So as I lay in bed, contemplating the events of the day, I can't help feeling that maybe DH and I have found where we belong.


Watch this space!
Cece
xxx

Making Progress

I can't believe that we are almost at the end of the second month of 2012!  Time is going so quickly.  I am still on the weight loss journey but starting to see results.  I officially have to buy a smaller jeans size!  I can't believe it!  It has been probably about 12 years since I've had to buy that size!

DH and I will be going on an adoption training course tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to it, but as the day approaches I am realising that I really want to start moving ahead on the path towards having children.  I have been in this limbo position for so long and now I want to start planning the next steps in my life.  However, I know that I can't move ahead until I've tackled this issue of children.  Completing an IVF cycle would be a huge step and then we'd be able to know what we would want to do next!  Once we've progressed through IVF, we can seriously pursue adoption.  I guess ultimately I'm tired of waiting!  However with my recent weight loss, I'm feeling more hopeful!  I feel like I'm starting to take crucial steps - I'm aware that it is likely that there will be more tears ahead but I also know that weeping endures for the night and joy comes in the morning.

Today it feels like for the first time in 4 years of trying to conceive that joy is within reach!

Stay blessed.  Stay focussed and remember that God is on the path with you!

Until next time,
Cece
xxx

Time for Change

A month of 2012 has passed and so far it has been good.  At the end of 2011, I declared that I needed to see change in my life.  I brought a list of areas that I wanted to change before God and told Him that I wanted to see change in at least one of these areas.  So here I am, doing my best to make the changes with God's help.  The first challenge - weight loss!  This is the big hurdle that stands between me and IVF.  It is an area I have always struggled with but now I am forced to face it head on.

It has been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  So help me to see change I have hired a personal trainer!  I had my first session this week and two days later I am finding it impossible to walk without thinking about my personal trainer and silently wishing I had never met him!  However, I do feel like I've worked out and I look to forward to reaping the results!
I hope you are all working towards what you want to see in 2012.  Keep going and stay positive!

Until next time, take care,
From an aching and very tired Cece
xxx

The end of 2011

Well, another year has come to an end!  This year has been tough in many ways but so enlightening in other ways.  I went away for a few days to relax and think about what I wanted to see in 2012.  Over the last few months, God has really been helping me to look at what I want in life in general. 

Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a friend, who died a few weeks ago at the age of 32.  The funeral was, by far, the best funeral I have ever been to.  A strange statement I know but as I sat in the service, I couldn't help thinking that this young lady had lived so much in the short life she had.  She had clearly outlined what she wanted at her funeral and so the service reflected her so well!

I wanted to write this post to summarise all that God has been saying to me recently.  These points were so beautifully summed up in the funeral yesterday that I had to write it down:

1.  Do what you are passionate about - when a person follows their passion, their life tends to have so much more meaning and purpose.

2.  Do it now! - we always assume that we have all the time in the world but in reality we don't know when we will be called home.  Make sure that you use your time on Earth doing what you're supposed to do!

3.  There is more to life than having babies! - my friend never married and never had children but managed to live with such purpose and joy!  I still want to have children but I must say that the recent events have reminded me that I can't afford to focus on this one area of my life and stop enjoying all the richness that is available in this world.

So these are my closing thoughts for 2011.  Live life to the fullest!  Even if the things you want have not happened this year, God is still good and then is still much to look forward to!

Thank you to all of you who have been reading my blog over the last year.  You have truly been through a rollercoaster journey with me and I look forward to seeing you all in 2012.

God bless and Happy New Year!

In the Wilderness

Hello everyone!

I hope that you are well and continuing to pursue your dreams and passions.  I have not been on here for a long time and that's simply because I wasn't sure that I had much to say.  So it has been several months now and to be honest - not much has changed.  I am frustrated, angry and verging on despondency.  It is so hard to express what has been going on.  I have officially hit a brick wall - this issue has truly taken me to my limit.  I have tried all that I know and now realise that I can't keep repeating the same steps if I want to see a change, so I now have to take some steps that I've avoided for a long time.

The infertility issue has brought out so much more than I thought.  I thought that the early stages were painful but now I'm seeing that God is going to use this issue to cause me to tackle some things that I've buried for a long time. These issues need to tackled if I want to be able to move on in my life but I know that it's going to be a painful process.  It's amazing how God can use one issue to touch the depths that He wants to deal with.  Earlier in this blog, I mentioned that I felt that this issue could be the making of me and I still believe that - I just didn't realise that it would go so deep and hurt so much.

Ok, I know that what I've said doesn't make much sense but that's pretty much how my brain is working at the moment.  I know that it will become clearer with time and have even already prepared a separate blog for when clarity comes.  It's a new blog because this has become so much bigger than the issue of infertility.  I've come on here to ask you all to keep praying for me.

It's been over a year since the doctor broke the devastating news to me and left me crying in the hospital foyer in shock.  It's been a year since I've fought back tears whilst teaching reproduction to my year 7 students.  I don't cry so much now (although some would argue that's part of the problem) but now I am fighting bitterness and complacency.  Pray that God will help me through what is increasingly become a dark and difficult place to be. 

My one hope is God - I know who He is and what He can do.  I guess my question is simply, "Will He do it for me?"

Take care,
Cece
xxx