Prayer challenge update, my general ramblings and a wake up call!

So this is a "catch up" post!  Life has got busy again (as usual) and I haven't been able to stay on my blogging schedule.

Prayer Challenge - Prayer Driving vs Journalling
I have been working on my prayer challenge and I can wholeheartedly say that I have learnt a fair amount about what works for me and what doesn't!

Let me start with some of the mistakes I made:

1.  Starting a prayer challenge on the same day that you are leaving for a family weekend out of London followed by a family BBQ.  It's really difficult to start a new habit or practice when you are not following your usual routine at all!

2.  Choosing an activity that involves introducing two new habits in one.  I don't go for regular walks so deciding to use prayer walking meant that I had to master the incorporation of regular walking and prayering.  It didn't really work out!

So I decided to count prayer driving as well as prayer walking!  The prayer walking experience was really refreshing and lovely.  It was nice to allocate a set time to just go for a walk and talk to God but it became apparent to me that it was not going to be consistent if it depended on me going for daily walks.  Some of my days t involved heavy travelling or lots of errands in one day, so fitting in substantial walking time was a real challenge and often didn't materialise.  However, I am someone who drives regularly and I found using this time to pray really helpful.  

Attaching prayer to a regular activity in my life has been really effective.

However this raised a couple of other challenges, primarily how to maintain a prayer list and document everything that God has been saying in relation to the different issues.  So I decided to try prayer journalling.  

Prayer journalling has been a breath of fresh air!  It has been wonderful sitting down with a pen and paper and writing out my prayers to God.  This method has really worked for me and to be honest I haven't had a desire to try anything else.  

My main focus has now moved on to looking at ways to ensure that I am regularly covering all the areas on my prayer list and an effective way of maintaining a prayer list.  Please write any methods you use in the comments below!  I would really appreciate your help!

My General Ramblings
A lot is going on in my life at the moment, primarily around me looking at what I want out of life and the steps I need to take to get there.  This year has been amazing so far!  I have become a mother and I have discovered more about myself in the last few months than I have in the last 30 years!  It has been amazing to see how God has used this time to really reveal so much to me.

This blog has started as a place to pour out my feelings about infertility and the struggle of being childless.  It then became a record of my journey through the adoption process and the first few months of motherhood.  I have been struggling a little with deciding which direction to take the blog in next.  Many of you have said that you want me to keep writing but I haven't been sure about exactly what I should actually write about.  In other words, I started to analyse this blog too much and so ended up with what I would call a blog in "identity crisis".

So I'm going to stop over-analysing and just go back to being me.  I'll write about the things on my heart and I hope that you will continue to enjoy reading what I have to say!

A wake up call!

I spent yesterday evening with a close friend talking in great depth about some of the major decisions I have to make in the next few months.  It was refreshing, enlightening and helped to solidify some of the things I have struggled to verbalise throughout this year.  However, a poignant issue that came out of the conversation was the fact that I am still a new mother.

This is an issue that my sister had raised several times earlier this year but I think I've finally started to get it.  I have been a mother for six months.  I look at some of the projects I have taken on in the last year and realised that I haven't really allowed space for the fact that I am a new mum.  Likewise, I am aware that some people around me have made the same mistake as me and failed to recognise that I am very new to motherhood.  It is very easy to look at Babygirl as the blossoming toddler that she is and forget that although she may be approaching two, I haven't been a mother for nearly two years. I have only six months experience!

As such when I look at what I will be doing for the rest of this year and when people approach me to ask me to do things - I will be pausing to ask the question in my mind, "Is this something that a mother of six months should be taking on right now?"

I hope by just pausing to answer that question will help me to know when to say "yes" and when to say "no".

So that's my catch post complete.

Until next time,
Cece xxx

Life with the Big E - another woman's story

Hi guys,

I know that I haven't written a post about the prayer challenge and how it has been going but I have just been bogged down with lots of things at the moment.  However, you can rest assured that I am pursuing the challenge wholeheartedly and will be writing about it soon!

In the meantime, I have a real treat for you!  My first ever guest post!  Yes ladies!  We have a guest writer today and it's my sister Dee.  After reading my post a while back about life with endometriosis, Dee wanted to share her story - so here it is!  
 

Most people believe that endometriosis is an illness which affects you once a month, by that they mean a painful period lasting between 5-7 days, then life returns to normal.

I have had endometriosis since I was thirteen years old but wasn’t diagnosed for another 6 years.   I have now endured the disease for the past thirty two years  in spite of this lengthy time period, until recently I was fairly ignorant about my own disease.

Endo- me what?? 

Endometriosis was classified as an auto –immune disorder back in 2008.  Experience of endometriosis are as individual as the 175 million women (yes I did say million) who suffer with this illness. It is caused by endometrium (the lining of the womb) cells growing where it shouldn’t. These errant cells also respond to the same hormonal instructions given to the lining of the womb.  As you can imagine this causes internal chaos in the form of bleeding, cyst development, inflammation and scarring. The organs which are affected become stuck together as a result and this can cause a wide range of symptoms, pain being the one that most women experience.

Size doesn’t matter

Most women know it's there because the result of the disease is pain. However the amount of pain suffered is not always related to the amount of disease present. Between 40-50% of us suffer from infertility again the amount of disease doesn’t always reduce the risk of infertility.

How many ways can you say "ouch"?    

As I said the main symptom is pain. I have chronic pain in the pelvic and vaginal area, painful menstruation, pain when my bladder is full and pain when I empty.  The same goes for my rectum.  In addition I have referred pain in my lower back, down the front of my thighs, my hips and knees. Pain when I manage to have sex and for at least two days afterwards. At the moment the pain is ever present regardless of my period.

Who cares what causes it?

That was my attitude when I was first diagnosed, but yes it does matter especially when looking for a cure and understanding which treatments/lifestyle changes might be the most helpful.  There are a number of theories the most common of which is that there is a back flow of blood through the fallopian tubes to pelvic organs.  But, to be honest we don’t really know why it occurs.

Ok, so make it go away!

I am not going to delve into the pros and cons of the current treatments, but to give you a flavour of the treatments that I have had. Where to start?! Well, the main one has been an injection ( given in my abdomen yuk!) called Zoladex.  A few years ago I underwent this treatment for a total of 6 months.  

Back then what Zoldex gaveth with one hand it tookith away with the other. 

It stopped my periods and the pain . The side effects were awful, hot flushes and flashes ( yes there is a difference!), dry skin,  This time however the Zoladex gave and gave but did not take away. I continued to bleed on occasions, the pain gave a sideways glance at the Zoladex, shrugged it’s broad shoulders and declared, "As you were!".  The rest of my treatments have been surgical and tablets liquids, patches to treat my main issue – pain!

What on earth is happening to me?

One day in November I awoke with severe abdominal, right kidney and lower back pain.  I couldn’t move the pain radiated down my thighs when I tried to walk I had to limp dragging my right leg along because I couldn’t put any weight on it.  I had never experienced anything like it before. Later that morning I attended the urgent appointment I booked the hour before.  At my GP surgery, he examined me and told me that he thought it was endometriosis.  Quite frankly I didn’t believe him.  I wasn’t having a period, no vaginal blood loss in fact I was only on day 10 of my cycle.  How could this be?!   Given the extreme difficulty I was having with urinating I thought this must be a kidney infection, after all I had had some flank discomfort in the preceeding days, I had been busy at work and delayed emptying my bladder for hours.  I was sure I was right.

The GP referred me to the local hospital for pain relief and a second opinion from the gynae team.  I was seen in casualty and admitted for pain relief.  After having endometriosis for 30 years this was my first hospital admission for pain.  After  5 days I was discharged with enough pain killers to fell a thorough bred!  Tramadol and Cocodamol for break through pain. Buscopan was thrown in as a just in case it could help with related gastrointestinal symptoms.  Oh and stemetil for the incessant nausea.

Two months after my hospital admission I am sitting in another hospital awaiting my 4^th laparoscopy.  This one was specialist centre for endometriosis, the doctor is explaining what they are going to attempt.  I am acting cool and mature but inside I want to kiss his feet and promise to do his ironing for life if he would only make my pain go away.  As you can see at this point I can’t even be inventive about the wonderful things I can promise to do! But if you knew me you would know that that’s a big deal.

I come around from the anaesthetic  to be told what I guess deep down I had already suspected.  “You have stage IV endometriosis” the doctor said.  He went on to say that my bowel is attached to my uterus by a sizeable lump of endometriosis which they were unable to remove as that would have meant taking away too much of my bowel. Further surgery would be necessary after 6 months treatment with my dear friend Mr Zoladex to try and shrink the lump and reduce the inflammation.

Fast forward to 8 months later the pain still ever present.  Increasing in intensity I was started in Oromorph (morphine) four times a day.  What wasn’t funny 10 months ago is now downright hysteria provoking !  I am unable to discern what emotional turmoil is being caused by the Zoladex and what is caused by the fact that every morning I open my eyes to the now familiar abdominal and rectal thud.  "Good morning, Dee!" it seems to dance, "Welcome to another pain filled, doped up day".

Smile

Putting a brave face on  isn’t even an option any more.  There isn’t any energy left to do that, my focus is on moving painfully through the day.  Activities which I previously did without a second thought now demand my complete attention. It's 7 steps from my bed to the en suite bathroom I know this because I’ve counted them, because on a regular basis I steel myself to make the walk.  Making the daily determination whether I will have the strength to stand in the shower once I have climbed in or do I need to sit in the bath as this is not going to be possible.  On the list of decisions to make is what piece of clothing can I wear that is going to accommodate my every swelling and receding abdomen.

You look so well!

 

Endometriosis is on the inside not the outside, there are no associated rashes, skin discolorations etc to see.  The damage is all inside, yes when I have the energy I put on some make up.  I do it to try and feel normal, it’s in an effort to hold onto some, any, piece of normality.  To say that endometriosis has stolen my life is not overly dramatic.  The pain can be so great that I cannot think to string together a cohesive sentence. The pain killer mess with my short term memory – the kids are sick of having goldfish conversations with their mom!  That is when I can stay awake long enough to have a conversation

I can’t sit as the endometriosis in my rectum hurts, lying on my back evokes the same pain. My hips ache and are sore to touch so that’s out too.  Perversely standing takes the pressure of my rectum but this isn’ t for long as gravity pushes down mercilessly on my pelvic organs and the chronic fatigue means my legs won’t hold me for long.

At this stage work is impossible, I require support in the form of a person or a crutch to walk even a few steps. 

The next person that tells me to have positive thoughts I will scream at.  “that takes energy that I don’t have right now!”

Pain is a verb

We all know that pain is subjective. We all experience it differently.  As I said earlier many people think that endometriosis means painful periods.  My pain is a constant companion.  Describing the pain is where it gets tricky, getting across to friends, family, your boss, my goodness even health professionals can be quite hard.  Finding the words to describe what I am feeling when the pain is at is worse is complex.  For me my pain is physical and psychological, but lets deal with the physical sensations first.  Where to start?  Well – the constant sensation is a deep, dull, aching pain which feels hot. It is also joined by its cousin the sharp stabbing tearing sensation that just about takes my breath away.  The doctors ask me what causes it what makes it better.  Nothing is usually the answer.  I can be lying in bed or talking with friends and the sharp pain can arrive unannounced and certainly unwelcomed.  Bringing with it intense nausea and sometimes vomiting.  Yes there are some activities that can guarantee pain – peeing and number twos will get me every time. The pain I have at the moment doesn’t stop. The medications take the edge off of it, they make it so that I can move, can think about other things.  But as other chronic pain sufferers will attest balancing them isn’t easy. Too much and the pain is kept at bay but you can’t stay awake to celebrate the fact.  Too little and the meds have the same effect as sucking on skittles then spitting them out!  That elusive state of balance is different for everyone – I haven’t found mine yet.

Let's talk about sex

 

As if  pain putting me off sex and chronic fatigue which makes finding the energy to make love isn’t enough.  In addition my libido packed a case and an overnight bag, without giving notice went on sabbatical.  Not wishing to travel alone it invited my ability to orgasm on the all expenses paid vacation.  It accepted and thus my misery was complete.

I am on a count down - 3 days until surgery.  For the rest of the population up coming surgery is a scary thought.   I am torn between the fear of surgery.  I’ve been here before I know the way that my body normal reacts to the assault that is surgery.  On the other hand it is the light at the end of the tunnel the only solution for me now.

So that’s where I am right now, I do hope that my story is helpful to others. Will update you after surgery.  God bless D x

Please keep Dee in your prayers as she faces surgery later this week!  

Life Update

I hope you are all well.  I thought it was about time that I gave you all a brief life update.  Here we go!

Babygirl
Babygirl is doing really well and is growing rapidly.  I look back at the pictures taken when she first arrived and it's amazing to see that in a few months she has changed from a little baby to a little toddler!  Her vocabulary is developing well and she is starting to form short sentences!  Her obsession with shoes has been evident and she has been known to forcibly remove shoes that she likes from guests so she can try them on! She is absolutely adorable and I am completely in love!

Nursery
A few posts ago, I mentioned that I was starting to look for a nursery and I think I've found one!  There are a few more questions I have to ask but on my tour I was really impressed by what they had to offer and particularly like the "feel" of the place!  Babygirl seemed very comfortable there too and I think that we'll be registering her ASAP to secure a place.

Work
I have contacted work and have agreed a return date with them.  Finances have forced me to return a little earlier than planned but I actually feel OK about it!  Now that I've found a nursery that I'm happy with and have done some deep soulsearching throughout the last few months, I feel ready to face the workplace again.  I am requesting flexible working arrangements and would appreciate your prayers for God to provide an arrangement that will work for us as a family.  I should be meeting my manager within the next week or so.

Renewed connections
I must mention that over the last few weeks, God has been renewing old connections.  These are people who I have either lost contact with or have not seen for a while.  It has been so refreshing and He has used this lovely meetings to help me to see the work He has done in me and the work He is currently doing!

The Adoption Process
We are approaching the final stages of the adoption process and will be filing our court paperwork over the next few weeks.  This is really the final steps to finalise adding Babygirl to our family.  I am so excited and happy to have it all wrapped up so we can move on to enjoy the next stages of our family life.  I am particularly looking forward to our day in court when Babygirl is officially added to our family - it is set to be a wonderful day of celebration!

And finally,

Family Fun
This past weekend has been full of action and fantastic all at once!  On Thursday, we all headed off to Essex to start overnight in a hotel so we could attend my cousin's wedding.  It was lovely to have so much of the family all in one place and Babygirl really enjoyed hanging out with her cousins.  On Friday we attended the wedding was absolutely amazing - the setting was beautiful, the bride was stunning, the food was delicious and the music was brilliant!  I really enjoyed the wedding and it was so touching to see a couple who are so dear to me to tie the knot.  We returned to London on Saturday and everyone was exhausted.  But on Sunday, we were up again to go to the annual family BBQ hosted by another cousin.  Once again, great food and music but I must confess that I had to leave early as Babygirl and I just couldn't keep up with the pace.  All in all, a lovely weekend!

The week ahead is set to be busy with some important errands to run and hopefully a few fun events thrown in for good measure.  I will be back on Wednesday to let you know how the prayer challenge has been going and on Thursday, I'll let you know what the next part of the challenge will be!

Until next time, God bless,
Cece xx

Thoughtful Thursday: Improving My Prayer Life

Hello readers!

Today I am starting a 4 week series on prayer.  Prayer is an area that I am trying to develop as I have struggled to find a way to ensure that my prayer time is regular and effective!   I have been researching different ways to improve and enhance my prayer life. 

I thought it might be fun (and possibly helpful to you guys!) to blog about my experiences as I try different stratgies!  

So here's how it will work.

Each Thursday I will tell you what I will be doing for the next 7 days to improve my prayer life.  You are welcome to join in and share your experiences in the comments below!

On the following Wednesday, I will blog about how the trialled strategy impacted my prayer life.

So this is week 1 and I will be trialling prayer walking.

I have done prayer walks before but I have never used them as a strategy for my personal prayer, so I'm intrigued to see how it works for me.  

Each day I will go for an hour's walk and pray.  I'll be trying out different times of the day and different locations.  I might even see how it goes when sharing the walk with someone else!

I'll let you guys know how it goes next Wednesday, but if you would like to get daily updates - follow me on twitter @cece280707. #cecesprayerlife

Comment below if you're up for joining me by trying out prayer walking this week! And don't forget to subscribe!

Until next time,

Cece

Mid Year Review

OK, so I know that we are way past the middle of the year but I have been rather reflective over the last few weeks and got thinking about how 2013 has been so far.

Here is my "Mid Year Review" at the start of August! (strange I know!)

I usually work through my review by looking at key areas of my life:

• Spiritual life - personal walk with God
• Home life - marriage and family relationships
• Work life - career development
• Church life - ministry and roles in church
• Finances
• Health

I'm not sure if it really works for me and do try to change it around sometimes!   

How do you review and set goals for your life?  Let me know in the comments below!

Anyway, in this review, I'm going to put down my top 3 lessons that I have learnt so far this year.

1. I love being a mum!   One of my key goals for this has been settling into my new role as a mum and it has been amazing!  I have loved every single minute of it - even the ones where I have been tired and wanted to crawl into my bed to sleep for a week! I mentioned in one of my earlier posts this year that it feels like I have found "home" and I really do mean that!

2.  I'm discovering my true passions!  This is another huge one for me!  This time at home has helped me to spend time talking to God about some of the big questions I have in my life such as " What am I actually meant to be doing with my life?!"  The space to think has been amazing and life changing, and I've discovered that part of what has been missing in my life has been my true passions!  This year has been about discovering what they are and seeing how they can be incorporated into my life more!

3.  I have endometriosis!  Ok - I can almost hear some of you  shouting "We know this already!", especially those of you who read my post a few weeks ago.   Yes, I was diagnosed when I was 18, but this year, I have developed a much clearer understanding of how it actually affects my body and my life.  I understand the illness more which means that I am now learning how to look after myself properly.  I also feel more informed about how to pray about it too!

There are so many more lessons that I have learnt and still in the process of  learning but there are too many to share now!  Perhaps in my end of year review.

What are the top 3 things that you have learnt so far this year?  Write them in the comments below and don't forget to subscribe!

Thoughtful Thursday: What have you been thinking?

So here we are with another Thoughtful Thursday!  I have recently settled down to read Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind" and after reading the first few chapters, I've been wondering why I left it so long.  It has been sitting on my shelf for years and after being advised by many that it is a worthwhile read, I decided to jump in.

Wow!  What an amazing book!  I've only got to chapter 8 and already, I have scriptures to meditate on and it has caused me to really start evaluating the way I think.

What have you been thinking recently?
Proverbs 23:7 says " For as he thinks in his heart, so is he".  In other words, what you think about yourself, what you think about situations in your life will have a direct effect on the outcome.

It is so common in our world to be filled with negative thoughts and negative attitudes but is this how our "thought life" should be as Christians?  I am not suggesting that we pretend that the challenging issues in our lives don't exist but I am saying that the attitude and way we think about them can profoundly change how we feel about them and how we tackle them.

As I continue to walk with God and learn more about Him,  I am realising that my life situations have not changed much, but what has changed is the way I see them, think about them and approach them.

Change the way you think!
So today, make a choice to think about things differently!

Instead of focussing on what you don't have, focus on what you do have.

Instead of declaring that your challenges will beat you, declare that you are able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you!

I am not saying that we should all just have "happy thoughts" and everything will be OK!  But I am saying that by allowing God to renew our mind, we will be able to tackle challenges with God and ultimately be forever transformed!
 
Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you] (Romans 12:2)

We change the way we think by using God's word to renew our minds - to renew the way we see things and how we think.

In doing so:

we are forever changed and

we discover God's perfect will for our lives!

I'll leave you with the wise words of Paul from Philippians:

For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. (Phil. 4:8)