Both sides of the story

As I said earlier, there are good days and bad days on this journey and right I feel like I'm having a bad one.  Actually the last few days have been pretty tough.  Easter weekend was lovely as I spent a lot of time with DH, but, as ever, holiday time means you run the risk of meeting up with family and facing tough questions.  So I had a plan this holiday - to avoid these situations!  Especially as there have been some recent pregnancies announced that I have found difficult to handle!  So I avoided a few gatherings so that I would not have to see and speak to certain people - I know I must sound so terrible but I'm just being real.  Funnily enough, it was the one event that I thought wouldn't bother me that had an impact.  It was a child's birthday party and I really wanted to go - in fact as far as I was concerned it was a non-negoitable event (one of those you have to attend!).  I went expecting to have an afternoon of fun and support one of my best friends, and this is exactly what I did but I did not expect to feel suddenly very "childless" in the middle of the proceedings.  I don't know if it was the time when all my friends were on the mats playing with their children and I was standing at the side with DH watching, or whether it was when I was faced with one of the pregnant women I was trying to avoid, but suddenly the event changed for me.  Don't get me wrong!  I enjoyed the event it was really lovely and my friend did so well with what she had organised for her wonderful son but I found that I came home feeling a little sad! 

It affected DH too - the next day we were talking and for the first time I felt like I got a glimpse of what is like from a man's perspective.  DH just shared a little about how he felt at the party - his feelings were very similar to mine.  He just wants the time when he can play with his own child!  The infertility walk is not easy for either side but as a woman, there are many forums for us to express how we feel. Where do the men go?!  Most women will find a place to share and talk through their feelings but for men it's not so easy.  Also it is often the men who have to face the emotional outbursts of the woman when it all becomes too much.  DH was explaining that he is always thinking of how to protect me - he doesn't want me to go into situations that will make my journey through this more challenging.  On that day, I realised how important it is to support our men through this battle.  They may not talk about it much but they are going through it too!  And depending of their perspective of their role in the relationship, they can spend a lot of time not only trying to work through their own pain but also worrying about how to help you through your pain.

Let's pray for the men who are battling with infertility!  It's not easy on their side either!  Let's pray that as women make their way through this challenge that they don't forget that their husbands/partners are also suffering and need support!

The Blessings of Infertility?!

I know many of you must be wondering why I have chosen this particular title for my post today.  Over the last few weeks I have developed a solid understanding of Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
In many ways, I feel like this issue of infertility has been the making of me.  I am so amazed at how God has worked on me through this situation over the last 6 months.  I can honestly say that I have been blessed which is strange as this has been a really tough issue to face.
Through infertility, I have developed a clearer understanding of what faith in God is all about.  Through infertility, I have seen why God led me to marry the man that I have as he has been truly amazing in the midst of this storm.  Through infertility, God has helped us to develop a stronger bond and deeper emotional intimacy in our marriage.  Through infertility, I have learnt that my love for God is real and not based on circumstances.  Through infertility, I have touched other people's lives and encouraged them to keep trusting God.  Through infertility, I have learnt boldness to speak the truth about my emotions and feelings and face them head on.  How is it that God has managed to show me so much through this one issue?  God is so good - He has taken something which the enemy wanted to use to destroy me and turned it around for His glory!!!  Wow - I thought that I would only be able to say that when God gave me children but I can honestly say that God has already done a great work in me.  Hallelujah!!!!
Through this issue, God has also shown the healing that has been taking place my life.  I have spent most of my life feeling broken, feeling unworthy, wishing that I was someone else and desperately trying to prove my worth to God, myself and others.  But PRAISE GOD, here I stand still struggling with infertility, still longing for a child but for the first time happy with being me.  Wow!  I have waited over 30 years to reach this point and I never dreamt that I would feel like this when facing the one challenge that I had begged God to protect me from facing!!!  The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways! Who would have thought that God would use this to help me reach this point?!
I thank God for my journey so far! I thank Him for the people He has placed in my life to encourage me along my path and I thank God that even in the midst of the darkness He has shown me the light!
Be blessed!
Cece
xxx

Finding God's will

Over the weekend I hosted a ladies brunch which went well.  We had a good turnout and the general feedback was that it was really helpful.  In many ways, it was lovely to hear women talk candidly and sharing some of the deepest issues they have faced.  I know that many people left feeling encouraged and free to share their heart before God.

A particular issue that came up not only in the brunch but also in church the following Sunday was knowing God's will.  In the brunch we briefly discussed the need to know what God's will is on an issue before you start to pursue that thing.  This point has really resonated with me as I feel that this is the exact stage I am at.  Let me explain.....

Sometimes when we face a challenge or a desire that we have placed before God that we have not yet received, we start our prayer from the position of "Lord I want this.  What do I have to do to get it?  What have I done that is stopping me from receiving it?  Increase my faith in this area to believe that you can do it".  We may even spend time thanking God for what He is going to do for us BUT the question is "What is that assurance based on?"  Have we actually asked God what He wants for us in this area or are just assuming that because it is our desire that it's therefore our right to get it from God?  It is my belief that unless we know what God is saying to us on that issue then we have no ground to stand on at all!

I am now asking God to let me know what His word is on this issue of infertility for me and DH.  It is not enough that others can tell me what they are believing God for on my behalf.  I need to hear from God myself.  I cannot stand boldly and say that I will become pregnant until I have heard from God.  So this is what I am seeking - to know what God's will is.  I can also now say that because I am willing to accept God's will even if it means no children. You see if God tells me that I will have a child naturally then that shifts my position.  I have something to stand on and expect - even if the circumstances suggest that it is not possible, the fact that God said it settles the matter.  However, if God tells me "no" as much as I may be disappointed, my prayer can become "Lord give me grace and help me to see what You have planned instead".

When we face an issue, it is so easy to convince ourselves that we know what God's outcome is for us (usually in line with what we want) but I am now realising that our first question to ask God is "What are you saying about this?"

Therefore I urge you to find out what God is saying about your issue.  It may give you the word that you need to stand on or if may release you from struggling for something that is not part of God's plan for you.  Either way I believe that you will find peace in the process.

God bless,
Cece
xxx

Should I be ashamed?

Hello everyone!
Well, I am still in a good place and feeling pretty good.  I feel like I am starting to experience the peace of God that is necessary to make it through this.  I know that I will still have bad days but now I realise that it's not a bad thing to express my feelings.  I have an ability to switch off my emotions and avoid dealing with them (not a good thing!!).  This situation has shown how healing it can be to let it all out.  I genuinely believe that I feel better because I've just allowed myself to be honest about what I feel.

Anyway, I wrote this blog because I wanted to tackle the issue of "shame".  Should a woman battling infertility feel ashamed and keep it a secret?  I ask this question because I know that many people have been shocked by how open I have been about this issue.  Through a range of conversations, I have discovered that I have been around a number of women who have struggled with the same battle but I didn't know.  Now I am not suggesting that they should have broadcasted their personal business to everyone but I do wonder how much of their silence was due to feeling ashamed.

Infertility is a issue that can bring so much shame.  This can prevent people sharing what they are going through.  However, I am aware that what has helped me so much in this situation is the sharing that I have been doing through this blog and chats with others.  This issue is serious - there are many women who have walked away from God and the Church because as they suffered in silence, bitterness and distress was able to take hold.  So how do we help women going through this?  I believe that it can start with me!  I hope that by speaking out, others will follow my example and open the doors for support and prayer.  The motivation for my blog was due to an amazing lady on Youtube called "Nikki Proverbs31".  She posted a series of videos documenting her journey through infertility, IVF and her resulting pregnancy.  I discovered her a few days after I was told that I was infertile and I can honestly say that the main reason why I did not completely collapse under the pressure of this diagnosis was due to her videos.  She showed me that it was possible to survive this diagnosis, fight through the pain and still minister to others at the same time.  An amazing woman who has truly inspired me!  Thanks Nikki!

So why do I mention Nikki?  Because she was not ashamed.  She boldly posted her videos to the public domain and let the whole world see her battles.  And why should we be ashamed?!  Infertility is an illness!!  Would I be ashamed if it was my liver that was failing to function properly?  NO!  So why should my reproductive organs be any different?  I want this to change!  It is the enemy's desire that we suffer in silence because in the darkness he can stomp through your life and crush you!  BUT when we speak and share, when we bring our challenges into the light, we open ourselves for support and prayer!  We destroy the chains that the enemy seeks to hold us in and we start to take the steps to freedom.

I write this to any woman that is struggling alone, speak out!  Share it with someone who will understand and if you want to - contact me!  I will make myself available to help!

Well, on Saturday I will be hosting a ladies brunch entitled, "Waiting to Exhale: Singleness, Infertility and other challenges".  The brunch will be a forum for ladies who want to talk.  I am nervous but excited.  I know that God is going to do great things and I'm expecting ladies to get encouragement and experience God's healing.  I'll let you know how it goes.  Keep praying for me and the ladies who will be attending.

Signing out and sending God's love to all of you!
Cece
xxx

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there!  I say this geniunely from my heart and look forward to the day that I join your club! :-)

Well, a few of the people who have been reading my blog have asked how they can help to support me during this journey.  I know that a lot of my close friends have felt a little stunned by my last post as I was brutally honest.  This brutal honesty helped them to understand my pain in more detail but also left them feeling quite helpless.  So here is my advice.  I can only tell you what I find helpful but anyone else out there who is on this journey, feel free to post your comments.  On a bad day, I need the same support you would give to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.  When someone has lost a loved one, you just support them by being there and letting them talk about it if they want to.  We don't offer advice on how to get over their loss nor to do we tell them that is going to be OK.  We are just provide a reassurring presence of support.  For me that's the best support that I can get at the low points.  Earlier this week, my two best friends came over to see me.  I was feeling really low and being good friends they sensed this and turned up at my house.  We talked a little bit about my struggle but it was just so nice to have company and know that they were there for me.  I want to use this public forum to thank them - it was just what I needed!  As I told them in a text that evening, it reminded me that although I have to walk this path on my own - I am not alone!

So I'm feeling rather positive at the moment.  I am not sure how much of my happiness is due to the great weekend that I've had but I must say that I am feeling pretty good.  It's been a while since I've felt this good!  Yesterday I went out with some uni friends and it was just so nice to be out on the town!   We ate amazing food and enjoyed cocktails at a lovely bar.  It was just so nice to be out with people and having fun!  As I walked along Oxford Street heading to catch the underground train, I felt a real sense of contentment.  I guess I felt like I was actually living life!  As I've thought about it throughout today, I've realised that this is exactly what I had been missing - living life!  We can spend so much time, planning for the future, worrying about what we don't have and longing for what others have, that we fail to appreciate the life we have today and we fail to live it!  When battling infertility this can become rampant in your life.  You spend time reading online networks to get more tips on the preparing for IVF.  You wonder where you will get the money and whether you should have made that purchase. You read success stories and rewrite it in your mind with you as the main character.  You read about those who weren't successful and worry about how you will respond if you get the starring role in that version of the story.  This isn't living!  It is waiting to start living and it can last for years!!  Life is for living and so I'm going to start doing that!  No, I'm not going to start going out every night and partying wildly BUT I am going to make a conscious effort to enjoy life and all it has to offer.

Now I'll be honest, I'm not sure why things seem so good today. I am hoping that it is sign of me moving towards the path of peace in God that I have been looking for, but I have been on this road long enough to know that it could all be very different tomorrow.  As I told my friend recently, one day I can watch a woman give birth on TV and smile at the beauty of the miracle of life.  On other day, the title of the programme is enough to make me cry, so we will see what tomorrow brings.

However, I am confident that God has started a work in me that He will complete and I know that part of that involves me being at peace with myself and whatever life brings.  So I pray, keep working on me God and in the midst of it all - protect my heart!

Love you all and have a great day!
Cece
xxx