An Honest Account

I've been in two minds about my blog.  I was worried that I seemed to be constantly complaining about my life and I wasn't sure if I should even post this blog.  BUT then I remembered that the whole point of this blog is to provide an honest account of how it feels to walk on this challenging path.  It's important for me to be real otherwise this whole process is pointless.  Over the last few days, I've had some very frank conversations with people about how I feel about this situation.  Some of them have understood and others in their desire to provide support have said some of the very things that I don't want to hear right now.  But I'm not angry with them - I know that they all love me and are doing their best to support me in this. However it has caused me to think about how I could help those supporting their loved ones who are battling with infertility to get a greater understanding of what it is like.

Some of you may be aware that I love music and I recently came across two songs on you tube that really give an insight into what it can be like on this path.  The first one gives a glimpse of the determination needed for this walk. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_5oEpVHVP4&feature=fvst)  In fact this song could be used to encourage anyone in their walk through difficult times.  The second song is much more literal and speaks of the yearning for a child, and although I don't fully agree with the title of the song " I would die for that", it does express exactly how I feel at the moment! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ)

So why am I writing this down?  This blog is therapeutic for me.  It's a place to express my deepest thoughts and feelings.  However, I also want it to be a blog that serves others through encouragement or providing greater insight.

Be blessed!
Cece
xxx

The Car

Well I had bit of a meltdown over the weekend and it was all over a car (well kind of!). I have been waiting to buy a new car for the last 2 years and on Saturday DH and I almost bought one. We reserved it and were supposed to collect it yesterday but as we sat on bus heading to the dealership we both got the sense that it would be a mistake to buy it. Even though I knew it was the right decision I felt frustrated. I realized that my frustration was not actually about the car but the whole situation. I descended into a spiral of frustration and anger. The injustice of it all! Why do we have to go through this?! Why do we even have to consider each financial decision as a decision between that and having a baby? I wasn't depressed or broken - I just vocalised what I've been feeling since October. I've felt that in the midst of all of this, that it wouldn't be right to express how I really feel about it! But now I realise that it's ok for me to sometimes let it all out. It doesn't mean that I've lost my faith nor does it mean that I've given up - I'm just being real! It was an amazing relief as I finally felt like I could be real. DH was great! Also it gave me the shaking that I needed to start fighting again! I will be a mum and I'm not going to give up. This battle and these tears will not be in vain! I know that God will bring something good out of this.
So I called three clinics today to get quotes - it's time to step out in faith and prepare to see the amazing things that God is going to do.
Be encouraged ladies!
Cece
xxx

Those Special People

Hey guys!

The last few days have been rather rough and I've been very conscious of how much complaining I've been doing.  Today I found myself telling God that I needed something to happen!  Frustration is not sufficient to express how I've been feeling recently.  I feel like I've been treading water and my legs have finally just got too tired to keep me above the water.

But then, God sends those special people..... people who call you to give you crucial words of encouragement which they don't even realise have given you the strength to carry on for another day.  Those people who share their wisdom to help you make the decision to take the next step.

I just want to thank every person who has posted on my blog, emailed me or called me.  You have truly been a blessing during this tough time.

You have helped so much!
Cece
xxx

Tough day

Hi all,
Just a quick note. Blogging from my mobile for the first time!
Feeling quite sad today - probably due to reading too many IVF posts on an infertility network. One lady shared how difficult it was for her to attend a baby shower she had planned for a best friend - it all ended in tears!
This journey is not easy at all! I wish I could put into words how low you can feel at times. I actually YEARN to be a mum and often wonder why it has to be so hard! To date this probably the greatest challenge I've faced. The greatest difficulty is knowing how you are supposed to respond to all of this as a Christian. I know that I should have faith and trust that God will do it - and I do BUT that doesn't take away the pain.
Well logging out for now. Keep praying for me and the other "Hannahs" out there.
Stay blessed,
Cece

He will perfect ALL that concerns me (Psalm138:8)

Hello everyone!

Today DH and I made a major purchase.  As we sat down to sign the paperwork, I wondered "Am I choosing this object over our baby?"  What we bought is actually a genuine need for our family and a step towards preparing for the children we hope to have.  And yet, the commitment of finances seemed so overwhelming!  Each purchase (no matter how sensible) seems to be money taken away from our IVF project.  As we left the store, I thought about our purchase and how it would support us in our goal of being parents and it's then that I realised that I would be content to become a parent via any route (including adoption).

Adoption is something that DH and I have discussed in detail and are committed to doing regardless of whether we give birth to natural children or not.  It may have been due to some recent conversations I've had with mothers who have adopted and listened to their sense of contentment and deep love for their children.  But today I had to ask myself the question, "Would you be content with adopted children?"  and was surprised to hear my answer was "yes".  So what does this mean?  To be honest, I'm not sure.  Am I saying that I no longer want to pursue the IVF route?  No, but I am saying that if it isn't successful that I wouldn't be devastated if we were only blessed with children via adoption.

Now I can hear some of you shouting "Where's your faith?  What do you mean if it doesn't happen? Don't you know that God can do it?"  Of course, I know that He can do anything - He's God!!!  But I am aware that I don't know HOW He is going to make me the mummy I want to be.

Ten years ago, God used someone to tell that I would face a battle in my womb but that God would raise up on that day and that I would know that He is my Lord, my God.  This is the word that keeps me going in the dark times but I am so aware that we prophesy in part and know in part.  This word assures me that I will be a mummy but how it will come about, I don't know!

I guess all I'm saying is that I'm preparing to receive whatever God has for me in whatever format He chooses.

So why have I chosen the title for this post?  This scripture has carried me through my long distance courtship with my husband and the stress of waiting for a visa for us so that we could be together in the same country.  It reminds me that God is working it all out for me.  So as I sit here typing this blog wondering where the money will come from for IVF, wondering if IVF is how God will do, wondering if my thoughts are in line with God's thoughts on this matter or not - one thing that I can know in the midst of all these questions is that He WILL perfect ALL that concerns me!

Now I don't know how many of you are out there reading this, but I would really appreciate you commenting on my blog and sharing your views on what I have been sharing.  It is my desire that this blog encourages those walking on the same path as me and enlighten those who are cheering us along.

Have a blessed day!
Cece

Visit to the Clinic

Today DH and I went to a fertility clinic to attend an information evening. As I sat in the waiting room along with all the other couples I thought about the issue of faith.  There were about nine couples waiting there to hear all about the IVF process and why this particular clinic should be chosen and I realised that based on statistics only 3 of the couples would fall pregnant via IVF.  Not great odds really!  It was then that I realised even more so that the IVF process itself requires faith.  When first faced with the decision regarding IVF, I wondered whether I was showing a lack of faith by pursuing the IVF route instead of "trusting that God will do it".   Please don't misunderstand what I am saying!  I firmly believe that God is able to do it in spite of what the doctors have said BUT it requires faith to go down the IVF route too.  The doctors can do their best but even they admit that a large part of the process is waiting to see what will be.

So we went in and heard what the doctor had to say - she was honest (brutal at times) and made it clear that there was only so much that they can do and for some it would be down to "luck".  It's a scary prospect to pay all of that money, disrupt your hormonal cycle, run the risk of serious illness and possibly still leave with nothing!  Sometimes it's hard to understand why God has allowed this to happen for us but I know that whatever we go through that He is with us.

On a positive note, I really liked this clinic.  It felt right!   I can't explain it fully but I am realising that when you are choosing a clinic for this process, the way you feel about the clinic can have a huge effect.  I want to go to a clinic where I am confident that they are doing their best for me, understand how challenging the IVF process can be for us and provide the best possible facilities.

We visited another clinic a few months ago and the experience was very different.  The embryologist was amazing - his enthusiasm for his work was touching and I felt like I could trust him with "my babies"!  But the consultant was a different matter, she spoke about the IVF process with passion but when it came to basic customer service she was terrible.  It felt like a hard sell and a quick rush to get us to book an appointment.  I just couldn't trust that her recommendations would be what's best for me rather than what's best for her bank account!  I may be wrong but this is so much money and I believe that you need to feel at peace with the person who is going to carry out this procedure.  I wondered how she could get away with being like this but then I realised that in this industry you are dealing with people who are on the verge of desperation (if not already there) and will take any treatment.

So what's the next step?  We have to set aside money for the first consultation, get our medical notes from the hospital and I need to push harder on the weight loss front!

Looking forward to hearing your comments.
Cece

Getting back on board

Well I started to write this blog and then stopped.  In some ways it was too painful to write what I've been feeling but I know that God can use my experiences to help others so here we go again!  Let me start with some background information.
I have been married to my wonderful husband since 2007 and in April 2008 we decided it was time to start trying for a baby.  Initially not much happened and it wasn't until we had been trying for a whole year that I really started to worry - this April will make it 3 years of trying with no success and it has increasingly been difficult.  I have watched my two best friends give birth to their wonderful boys and shed tears of both joy and sorrow.  I have been prodded and probed by doctors, and questioned by well-meaning family and friends.  In October 2010, I was told that I would not be able to conceive naturally due to suffering from endometriosis since the age of 18.  I can hear some of you saying that I should have seen it coming - but I guess I was hoping that it wouldn't be a problem!  The news crushed me and I cried out to God, "WHY?!"  I still ask Him that question sometimes when it gets hard and although He may not have answered me yet, I rest assured that He is still in control.  Now I face the challenge of considering IVF and all of the issues surrounding that journey.  In a later blog, I'll explain the struggle I have over this decision, but for now I'm focussing on losing weight in case we decide to go ahead with it.  I'm doing well too - lost half a stone in the last month!
Well that's all from me today - in the next blog, I'll explore the challenges of maintaining faith and making decisions which some interpret as a lack of faith.